Lost periscope

I delete our periscopes because James is always getting fresh!! But here is one I saved. Since I haven't posted a blog entry in a month, I've decided to release this periscope. It will NOT be up long! So catch it now! 

http://youtu.be/RQVrKvDh5NE

She Wasnt Looking for Someone with Kids...

Here is one of the photos Sha'ahn had up that I thought was a glamour shot

Hello to our readers and followers.  I hope everyone is smiling about someone.  I know I am, and will have to explain that on another post. Its just NICE to be with someone who allows you to be you, and motivates you…

So, I wanted to write about how Sha’ahn and I met, from my side of things.   I only want to say one thing before I type…. I have never read her version, LOL.. So here it goes.

I met her almost a year ago.  We both had online dating profiles.  I remember seeing her pic online and thinking to myself, this is probably not a real pic of her, or of her currently, and it possibly may even a “glamour shot”.  She was BEAUTIFUL in all of her pics though, even the ones that were not portfolio pics.  So having been into the online dating off and on and talking with different women, I know that if you look like a model, or simply pretty, you may get 50+ messages a day. 

So then out went my message to her.  It told little about me and I think I asked her out or to meet up.  I never heard back, and simply thought she was not interested.  Then about 2 weeks later, I got a message from her… and YES I was smiling!!! The message said, she wasn’t on the site a lot, so instead of the back and forth, here is my cell, and to give her a call… So you know, I tried to wait a while before I used the number, lol… But she had made me WAIT, so fellas, you know what we do….

Then I did it… Actually, I think it was a text. Anyways, she did respond, and I think we exchanged pics, to recall one another.  She picked a spot near here home, and we were set to meet after she got out of school, went home, and changed… Once home, she text me to say, she didn’t feel up to coming out, plus it was pouring rain.  I said cool, I was already at the place she picked, and that I would be there if she changed her mind.  I never pressed her up to come out.  Fellas, if you don’t know, that will go a long ways… While I had a drink, we continued to text.  We kept exchanging compliments, and asking questions.  I remember telling her, from her pics, I have her facial features and structure, I would be able to tell she was in front of me, eyes closed, and with the touch of my fingers… I don’t know if it was me saying that or the fact I didn’t ask her to come out, but either way, she had a change of heart and decided to meet me.  By this time I had been there about an hour.

OK, she walks in the door, BAM!!! I know its her immediately.  It was the feeling of when the finest girl gets transferred in the middle of the school year to your school, LOL!!!  I stood up, she sat down.   Both of us couldn’t stop smiling, and hers was so beautiful.  After a short while, I switched sides of the booth, so we would be next to one another.  We talked, laughed, ate, and had a couple of drinks.  It was very refreshing.  The one thing, and I had remembered her online profile saying something about this… She wasn’t looking for someone with kids. 

I guess sometimes, if you are into someone, and enjoying the time spent, your “non-negotiable” might become negotiable…. and that's LOVE

Thanks for reading, check us out ANY & EVERYWHERE

-JJJ

FROM A DATE TO A MARRIAGE?!

This photo drew me in, so I messaged her

Hello, hopefully you guys were anticipating my second entry.  I thought for this one, I would discuss how I made the transition from "dating" Sha'ahn to committing to Sha'ahn. 

By committing, I mean treating her and respecting her as if we were married. I think if you truly love your partner and you mutually want to get to the point of marriage or a life partnership, one of you need to initiate these actions. It needs to be discussed, but inevitably, someone has to make the first move. I think I went first. I don't know what she may say, though. Ha Ha!  

For me, introducing her to my kids was an action that signified that I was ready to take our relationship up a level. It's always hard to show your cards first. I think Sha'ahn let on early that she was taking me seriously simply by letting me into her personal space, but initially, it was only physically (in person), but not mentally (dating).  

My advice to anyone, guy or girl, is to try to show your cards together, or be bold and you be the initiator. Show your significant other that you want to step things up, by your actions. That is something a woman always says, including Sha'ahn, "your actions speak volumes."

Well news for the men out here, we can say that TOO! HA!! Also, I've always said of both parties that when you want to be serious, don't start off your relationship doing anything you won't be willing or able to do five or 10 years from now. 

Once you both are "there", I think it can be easy if you share the same focus as to which direction you want to take your relationship. Yes, you guys must be on the same page as far as goals, finances, morals... but we all know that. What I'm saying is that It goes deeper. 

It goes into your deeper feelings, and love for that person. You have to "keep aflame". How? I could tell you a million nice things to do, that may or may not work. You know your partner better than I. So all I can say, is to do what it takes. If you don't know what it takes for that individual specifically, then figure it out, talk, observe, ask if you have to! 

I'm a work in progress myself, but its looking good for Us. I'm loving every minute of it! 

Thanks for reading, leave any questions or comments!  Maybe next post I'll tell you the story of how Sha'ahn and I met. 

-JJJ

Fathers Day 2015: James Has a Heavy Head

James and I celebrated Father's Day on Monday. The weekend just didn't work out for either of us to see the other. My mom was in town visiting, so I couldn't visit him, and James had a family issue to deal with, so he couldn't come to my place.

I decided to treat him to dinner and a night of pampering. It was a surprise so I never mentioned anything about my plans. 

James wasn't expecting anything anyway because I'd gotten him a straight razor and shaving kit, complete with a strop, back in May. I told him that since it all cost a good bit of coinage, that it would be his Father's Day gift. I asked him if he wanted it now or later (Father's Day), and he chose "now". So as far as James was concerned, he'd already gotten his gift. 

Since a month has passed by though, I still wanted to make him feel special. I think he deserves it. I called him Sunday morning to say happy Father's Day and that's when I found out that he spent Father's Day chopping fallen tree limbs and hauling them after the crazy winds we got Saturday night. He said it was cool though, since he didn't really celebrate the holiday like that anyway. I didn't say much about my plans. I told him I was just chilling with my mom. 

Monday came and I had a lot to get done. I planted flowers in my front yard and tomatoes in back. I also put some petunias out back. I'm not sure how they'll do, but my calla lilies do well. 

I began cleaning the house. I just felt like the inside should match the outside. I loved the way the new flowers looked out there! I was inspired to do a deep cleaning. I cleaned the first and second floors from top to bottom including the doors and baseboards. I rearranged my kitchen and living room furniture too. (Next weekend I'll attack the third floor. My closet needs arranging and clearing out since I lost that 27 pounds. I thought weight would have come back by now but it's been seven months...) Pruned all my plants... I LOVE PLANTS. James and my dad are gonna dig me a garden! They just don't know it yet. 

Anyway, James had a short day of work Monday. He was at my house around 4. He brought food! Dang! My dinner plans foiled. I told him to get a shower and a nap while I finished cleaning because I had plans for him. He got hype! He smiled from ear to ear and picked me up. I told him to put me down because I was funky from cleaning all day. He didn't listen! He was swinging me all around like a rag doll. Then he abruptly stops, puts me down and holds his nose, before slowly backing away. I jumped up and smacked his head. 

He went into the kitchen and started shouting, "Oh wow! You've got food in the fridge!" 

(See, I have a bachelor looking fridge. It's usually empty.)

 I said, "Yeah, yeah, I got food cause Mommy insisted." 

I let him relax and chill on his own for a few hours. He ate, watched a Kevin Hart movie and fell asleep. He wanted me to nap with him but I had to decline. He was a little disappointed because he said it felt like he hadnt seen me in a while. I said, "it's only been since Thursday!"

Around 830 I told him to come downstairs for a facial. He started grinning. "With machines?" he asked. I nodded. He started chuckling. "I love when you use the machine." I rolled my eyes. He is so spoiled!

I just shook my head and went down to prep for James. I wore a lacey blue negligée just to spice it up. He thought I looked super sexy. He said, "You know blue is my favorite color, I love that on you, you look beautiful!" I just smiled. I was ready to do his facial so I could eat my dinner, relax with him and just cuddle.

When he got on my table, my intentions were to send healing and love through my touch. I started his facial. I had reggae music playing because that's James' favorite genre. (He commented about that too.) As soon as I put cleanser on his face and started to massage it in, James starts to moan! I said, "I just started!"

He said, "I love your hands on my face though. It feels really good. Im so relaxed, he sighed."

When I got to the massage portion, I did a cranium pull and let me tell you guys... Boy does James have a big old heavy head! That thing was tough to hold for two minutes. When I massaged his neck, I found two knots on either side. I told him he needed a medical massage, not a relaxing one. I had hooked him up with a massage therapist friend of mine, so he had a free massage coming his way. I told him I set it up, he just needs to find the time to go. He was so grateful! I just smiled and kissed him. 

When his facial gel mask was on, i asked him if he wanted his hands or feet massaged. He opted for hands. That put him right to sleep. I finished his facial and turned the light out. Just let him relax and rest. He works hard, and deserves his peace. 

He didn't stay there long though. I had gone upstairs to get my food and eat. He came up less than 10 minutes later. He thanked me for the facial. I thanked him for dinner. He said, "I just ordered it. I know what you like and dislike, so it was no biggie. And you know what? Thanks for bringing that out of me."

I said, "Bring what out of you?"

"Just me being more assertive and leading. It makes things easier," James said.

I responded with a puzzled look.

"Like instead of me asking you what you want to eat, I just order it. And you're gonna eat it," James continued. 

"Ahhh I understand," I replied. "But I wasn't just talking about food." (James was referring to a conversation we had last week about him stepping up in the relationship and taking more responsibility and leadership role if he really wants me to consider marrying him.)

"I know," He said. "But that's just an example." I nodded in agreement. 

We talked about men and women and gender roles and all that. I told him that I had zero interest in trying to be a man. I would be happy to have another decision maker around and I don't mind letting him do his man thing. I need that, actually. Call me old fashioned. But life is easier when women let men be men. I asked James whether he wanted to put the tv on or continue listening to music and talk. He said he wanted to keep talking. We talked all night with reggae playing in the background. 

James reminded me that we need to do a YouTube video too. I'll get right on it! 

Great night. As usual. 

I'm looking goofy and he looks normal SMH

We Are on a Rollercoaster Ride...

funny, but that would be james and i if the pic represented our relationship right now. he's all ready to move forward and im all scared...

You are probably going to be upset with me after you read this blog post.
Im just going to cut right to the chase, and tell you what's on my mind.

I am having serious doubts.

As James and I get closer, I am feeling more apprehensive about things because I truly am not certain that I want to settle down with a man who has children.

This whole time, I've been getting to know him with the knowledge that one day I will have to begin dating his children too. It was never something I can say I looked forward to with great joy. In fact, if you've been following the blog, you already know how I feel about this.

Other than the fact that I don't know how I will fit in, or be able to seamlessly be integrated into James' life with his children, Im really unsure whether I even want to take on responsibility of caring for three children on a daily basis.

I love James. I love the man he is. He is a family man. He is honest, and loyal to those he loves. He is a good father who enjoys raising children. He has so much love in his heart, that of course I want to feel it, and take all he has to offer. What woman wouldnt want a man like this? One of my friends think Im crazy to potentially let a great man go because he has kids. My other BFF thinks there's nothing wrong with me. Yes, the dating pool is slim, but it's not like I was totally unhappy being single. I enjoyed being single and not having to answer to someone. Conversely, as a human, I crave a partnership. I dont want to continue jumping from relationship to relationship either. Ughhhh why does it sound as if I am trying to convince myself here.

TRUTH: I want James. I love James. I know I can trust James. We talk, we laugh and we love, HARD. The decision would be so easy if he didn't have kids, or maybe if he just have one child.

The only thing is, he does not come alone, or with one child. He has three.

I KNEW THIS GOING IN, however, his personality and the way he makes me feel outweighed the fear I had. Plus, I have a child and even though he is older, I figured I would eventually change my mind, because my son loves kids and always wanted siblings.

The thing is, Im not sure my mind is gonna change. I keep going back and forth. Like, one minute I want the FAMILY DREAM, and the next, I want to be alone. Maybe because I've been single since 2003? Am I simply a bachelorette who is now getting cold feet? Maybe it's because I haven't been around James' children often. We discussed this the other day and agreed that it's time I begin "dating" his children so that we can figure out whether or not we can truly move forward with our relationship.

Oh and then the other thing holding me back is that there is a "catch-22" here, because I need to be around his children in order to decide whether or not I want to marry James and even have a child with him.

(Yes, he actually mentioned having a baby just this past Monday.)

I told James that it is messed up that the children have to even be involved given the fact that I may decide that this lifestyle change isn't for me. But James said that it's unavoidable. "That's just life," he said. "You won't know until you've experienced."

At the end of the day, I don't want to hurt anyone. But I need to make a decision. At this point, we both are ready to take another step. I think we are moving slow because this could actually mark the demise of our time together.

This morning James and I had a serious talk. I was supposed to meet his parents this weekend, but given our conversation, that probably will not happen now. I will keep you posted.

James said he feels like he is on the hotseat, and I am going to break up with him, because that's how everything sounds to him.

I dont see it that way. I just need to start being around his kids. That's the bottom line. I think Im afraid that our intimacy will be interrupted. I don't mean sexual stuff either!

Is that a valid fear? Ughhhhh Im all over the place right now. I need to get it together.

He Said He Wants to What??

Life is really good. You know James and I are going strong. We both had a very long week and haven't seen each other much. Last night, he came over and he told me he felt like he'd been out of town all week or something, because he missed me so much. I felt the same!

If you're a friend of mine on Facebook, you know I put up a stat yesterday saying how I couldn't wait to see my sweetheart and cuddle with him, and just decompress! He was feeling the same thing I was. We are so connected. I never ever want to lose that.

Just snuggling against him helps me to relax. 

I was already settled in, and falling asleep when James arrived. But as soon as I heard him at the door, my heart started beating all fast. I tried to calm down but for some reason, I couldn't. It took everything in me not to jump up and hug him. 

Why do I still get so excited to see him? It's been nearly a year now. 

Anyway, back to what I was writing...

He had a gift for me. It was a thoughtful gift too! I really like it.

Oh, and I told him that I missed him a lot. He just kissed me. A long, soft kiss. No tongue, just a sweet kiss. And he kissed me all around my mouth like in a circle. It was different and special. 

He likes to run his fingers over my face too! Lol maybe I'll have him explain his reasons for doing that. 

Yesterday I ate a lot of garlic! I was afraid to kiss him at first, even though I'd brushed and I really wanted to kiss him. James told me that my breath actually smelled fine, but he could smell the garlic in my skin!! Omg I had just showered before getting in bed! 

He said it wasn't bad, but I kind of kept distant anyways. 

James wasn't having it. He literally went to sleep with his head on my shoulder.

This morning, we woke up and James was on his side. He had one hand extended out to touch my waist. It was so cute. 

I scooted over to spoon with him and get a few more zzz's. James yawned and then mumbled, "I wanna marry you." 

WAIT

WHAT? 

I mean "WHET!" (In my ratchet voice)

I immediately became alert and that drowsy early morning fog lifted real quick! I said, "What did you say?" 

Of course he doesn't answer! So I asked him again, and he repeated himself. I was like, "Really? Awwww!"

But inside I was all like, "OMG I gotta tell my BFF!!" 

I really would love for James to propose, but there is so much to consider as far as logistics... Ughhh but it's sweet to think about. It's a great feeling knowing a good man loves me and thinks of marrying me.

Maybe next year I'll have a different last name... 

James Sings as Well as Nate Dogg...

April was so crazy! Full of emotional ups and downs. Mostly because of my hormones, I think. Either way, we survived. Well, James and our relationship survived...

I'm convinced that either I have PMS or I'm trying to sabotage this relationship. I mean, why else would I react so strongly to EVERY issue that arose? I understand my reaction to a few things, but I admit that I definitely overreacted to some minor offenses.

Both James and I did agree that every concern I bring up is legitimate, however every concern shouldn't warrant "serious relationship consideration." I told James I would be more mindful of my emotions when it's close to my visit from Aunt Flow. He kept quiet, which was wise! LOL

Boy it sure sucks to have PMS. I never suffered from it before, but I am 37 now. I guess it was inevitable that things are going to change within myself, and I gotta accept that. I'm gonna start working out again, though. I think my not working out is why my hormones may be off. And I know its a contributing factor to the aging process. I am definitely getting active again. Especially if I want to have a baby next year.

Anyway, I digress. But suffice it to say, James is all in and I am too. I have zero interest in any other man, and I have let the whole world know I'm COMPLETELY off the market.

James swears he never flirts, but Im not sure I buy that. I think he respects me and what we have, though. To keep the peace, he had accepted that I am flirtatious. It's who I am. Or was, because lately, I don't even want to flirt. I'm totally into James. That's sort of new for me. I mean, James is only the second man to gain my undivided attention. I don't even want other guys to be attracted to me. Lol I know this isn't a fleeting feeling either. I know it's true love.

(Flashback: Once an exboyfriend who was head over heels for me told me that if I got HIV/AIDS he would actually be relieved because at least he knew I would never leave him, and he didn't care whether he contracted said virus from me because he loved me that much. At the time, I couldn't even fathom feeling that much for anyone, to the point where I didn't care if they gave me a life-threatening disease. But now I can understand where my ex was coming from.)

I feel as though nothing can come between James and Me, and I look forward to our future together. I enjoy loving him, and I don't feel as though Im missing out on anything out there. I used to hate the idea of settling with one person, and part of me thought I would never settle down again. But here I am.

I know I've matured so much and I'm glad I grew up in time enough to enjoy this relationship. 

I'm doing things I would never do before. 

For instance, last night I was teasing James about him being a horrible singer. He told me that as long as it was a Nate Dogg or Usher song, he could sing it well. I told him to sing, "You Got it Bad." This man proceeds to sing to me, and it was so horrible! But he was just singing his heart out. I cant explain it to where you can picture it, but James with all 6 ft, 2 inches and 200+ pounds jumps on top of me (Im 5,2/ 113 lbs) and is singing and stuff. He is literally on top of me. I don't know how, but he didn't crush me. LOL

I told him that he cant sing very well. He told me that he used to sing in church and everyone liked it. I told him, that all churches encourage singers, good and bad. LOL He admitted that was true. Next, he suggested I sing. So I sang an Erykah Badu song. I closed my eyes and sung. He got quiet and the mood changed from playful to something more serious.

He started to really listen. The song was about loving someone unexpectedly. When I got through, James said I had a nice voice and that I can sing well.

Unbeknownst to him, I rarely sing in front of people. I used to sing, but that was back in my early twenties. Anyway, I told him that this moment was special to me, and I will always remember that night. It was one of those moments you know that you'll always regard with fondness.

I don't think it was significant to James because I mentioned it the following day, but he didn't hold the moment the way I did. LOL It meant a lot to me!

Anyway, James also told me that his mom wants to meet me. Im looking forward. Oh, and before I forget, James and I have been talking and have decided to build a business together. So excited!

Can't wait to keep sharing with you all.

An Easter Weekend Wedding Road Trip to Remember

Warning: This may turn out to be a long post. Sit back and get ready to read.
I'm gonna tell you right now. This weekend will forever be remembered.

WHY?
Well, Many milestones were achieved: 

This weekend was our first road trip together.
This weekend James met my mom.
This weekend was my first time back in Albany, NY in at least a decade.
This weekend I had a mental break.
This weekend I learned that James is here to stay.
It was Easter. 

I decided I wanted a baby.

I had planned to write this blog entry on Monday to publish Tuesday. I just couldn't find a place to begin. There was so much that happened, I felt like it would take FOREVER to recap.

So, I decided to simply start writing, and whatever comes out, gets published.

Ready? OKAY...

Back in January, I was invited to my uncle's wedding in upstate New York. I had planned to take my son, but he didn't want to go. So, naturally, I asked James to take me. He agreed to go, and we made plans for the trip. We decided initially to catch the train, since fares were reasonable. Later, we decided to drive my car. That way, we could get around easily once we reached Albany. It was also a great opportunity to talk. Our favorite past time is talking to each other. I was really looking forward to the trip.

Things started to unravel for me:

When the time of the wedding grew closer, I began to get excited and nervous because this event was huge for our relationship. James is going to meet my mom's side of the family, including cousins, uncles, aunts and siblings. (He had already met my father back in the Fall.)

A week and a half before the wedding, James and I noticed that I had a bit of an attitude. At the time, we both thought it was nothing serious. Bad moods come and go. It's just a part of life. Im usually real cool and easygoing about most things. But I was irritable, and I kept starting little fights with him.
I thought it was due to the chronic neck pain I have. Most times I can ignore it, but when I get stressed, it gets worse and of course contributes to my level of overall comfort/attitude.

Wedding week finally rolls around. James asked me what was going on, because I wasn't my usual bubbly self. I told him I didnt know. Maybe I just felt like stirring up trouble?  We carried on the week as usual, and James sort of started walking on eggshells around me, but we were ok.

My previous weekend was super busy with work and a trip to NYC. I have just started a new business, in addition to my other two internet-based businesses. I also was recently approved to begin installing lash extensions. I still work part time at the spa and I'm in school full time. This is a transitional time in my life, deciding what direction in which to head with my career and stuff. There are also some financial issues I'm dealing with too being limited on time to work... Honestly, I think the weight of all that was catching up to me.

The Worst April Fool's Day Prank EVER

James decided to play a little prank on me. He told me two days before the wedding, that he was not able to accompany me. He sent a text message. It was late. I was about to go to bed. I saw the text, and I just deflated! I turned the phone off, without responding, and attempted to sleep.

My mind was racing! I told myself that he was definitely joking and I was sure to wake up to a "Gotcha!" text, or voicemail. After a very fitful night of what I will loosely call, "sleeping," I woke up around 0630, and guess what I found?

NOTHING. No Text. No voicemail. Not from James. I did, however, receive a text from my mom saying how excited she was to meet James. I replied with a screenshot of the text James sent me.

I was so angry. I was shaking mad. I texted him that I hope this is a joke, and if not, I pray that nobody is seriously injured. (In my mind, that would be the only reason he would cancel)

He called me. I answered. He told me he was joking and that he had sent a second text telling me as much. I never got that text. It never came through. So all night, I thought he may be serious.

I was just too through. I told him that was a horrible joke, and it was NOT the right time to play it. Besides, we are adults. Why play April Fool's on me? He apologized profusely. Things seemed ok still. I mean, I was testy, and it did take a couple days to get over it, but I did get over it.

(SO I THOUGHT)

The day of the trip comes. It's Good Friday.

James and I split the cost of the trip and we each had different duties to make the 6-hour trip as pleasant as possible. James came over, got my stuff, loaded the car up and waited on me. Once I was finished getting myself ready, I told him I was ready to leave. He was driving.

About five minutes into the trip, I began getting irritated at the music James chose to listen to. I just was not in the mood for rap music. I told him I didnt want to hear that trash. He told me that he couldnt listen to anything slow. I said I could listen to anything as long as I enjoyed the music. Didnt matter what it was.

I decided to drive. James didnt protest, although I know he wanted to. He used to drive a truck, and he's a logistics manager. I knew all these facts, but I just felt like I should drive and listen to music, in an effort to calm myself down from all this ridiculous irritability. James found a rest area on the highway, and we switched places. Funny thing is, I did not even want to drive. 

I took the wheel. The whole time, Im going over everything James did wrong leading up to the trip. The way he was slow in giving me a response about escorting me all the way up to that dumb April Fool's prank. Anything he said in an attempt to make conversation with me was furiously shut down.

James had enough after a while. He told me that he didnt deserve to be talked to the way I was talking to him. He said that he would rather walk on the highway all the way to New York than continue the way we were. 

I became livid! Mostly because I knew that I was acting out and totally agreed with him that I shouldnt speak to him the way I was. But I was so upset about everything else that had transpired, I just couldnt get a grip and separate all of that from what was actually happening in the moment. 

I tightened my grip on the steering wheel and screeched across three lanes of traffic on the highway toward the first exit I saw. We were somewhere in Maryland. I was scared, but at this point pride set in, so I didnt show my fear. 

I roughly pulled into a Wendy's parking lot somewhere in Oxen Hill, Md. James was silent. I turned to look at him. I wanted to apologize and hug him. I didnt do that though. I just stared at him with daggers in my eyes. He calmly told me that he just needed to make a phone call, and he would be out of the car soon. He said if that was too much, then he would go inside the restaurant. 

Im telling you guys, I truly did NOT want James to leave. I didnt want him to feel upset, or hurt and angry. I just wanted everyting to be okay. But things just were not ok. I did not know how to simply "get on and over it."

I just continued to stare at James. Finally after a few tense moments that seemed to go on forever, I told James that I thought I was having a nervous breakdown. He was silent. I got upset again. I asked him whether or not he heard me. He said he had, but he didnt know what to say. He said he never experienced this, and maybe I needed to go to the hospital. 

I said, I didnt know what to do, but I knew that I was not feeling like myself. I'm usually in control of my emotions. I rarely cry or lose control of myself in any given situation. I pride myself on being able to objectively assess situations and act accordingly. 

NOT THIS PARTICULAR EVENING

I just could not see the bright side to anything in those moments. I was yelling at James. I told him that since we weren't married, that he wasn't obligated to stick with me during this rough time. (subliminal message: If you leave, don't think we are fixing this.)

I almost cried like five times during this exchange. I NEVER cry. 
James was sitting there with his mouth hanging open. He could not believe what was happening. Neither could I. Worst part was that I didnt know what to do to fix things. 

James knew what to do. He took my hand and asked me what I wanted to do. I told him that I didnt know. I said that maybe it would be best to just turn around and head home. He said that he would drive. I should relax. We could listen to whatever I wanted to listen to. He told me that we should go to the wedding. 

I said, "Ok." We switched places again.  

It was silent. I began to cry. James did not know. I told him I was afraid he would leave me because apparently Im crazy. He said, he wasnt going anywhere.

"Married, or not. I'm still your man. And I am here now."

I said, "But, what if I truly have a disorder?" 

"Well, let's take it one day at a time. After you see a therapist or something, then let's talk. But I doubt that is the case, and as I said, Im here."

I told him that he is too good to me. I love him. 

The events of the weekend confirmed the way I feel about James, and I know he loves me. He is definitely here for me and has my back!

 

























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New Territory: Random Conversation on a Snow Day

 Hey guys! Just wanted to share this video that James and I made two weeks ago on our snow day. We had a great day. Enjoy the convo. I don't know if you'll find anything we say earth-shattering, but you will laugh a little bit!

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New Territory: He Thinks I'm Cold Hearted

OThis morning James and I were talking as per the usual, and I brought up the fact that an ex-boyfriend of mine told me he was getting married. 

One thing lead to another, and we started talking about breakups and exes and stuff.

At the end, James tells me that if he left me, I probably wouldn't even be broken-hearted. He said, "You'd move on fast!" 

I thought about it. 

"Yes, I'd move on, but not too quickly. I truly love you and I'd be hurt for sure. I just don't believe in dwelling in negativity." 

Life goes on! Right?!! 

New Territory: Our First Valentine's Day Might Suck

I'm not sure how Valentine's Day is going to turn out because James is really not that "into" it. He's all like, " What should I do? Dinner? Guys always fail at this stuff."

With an attitude like that, why would I think it'd be a good holiday?

Besides, I'm not sure he even has anything planned because I had told him that I didn't want to do anything because when we had our fight two weeks ago, I just told him to forget everything! I was so upset. 

But... We made up. And you know everyone keeps asking me what am I doing for Valentine's Day. It sucks to answer with, "I don't know" or "Nothin!" 

I'm a big romantic at heart, so I treat James very well. I don't think that excuses me from doing something special on V-Day. For some reason, a lot of guys are using that same line about guys messing up as a cop out! Or they say, they treat their women well so why do anything for that day differently. 

I debated about bringing it up. But I don't want my first Valentine's Day with James to become a bad memory without us even trying to do anything.

So...

... this past Tuesday, I texted him this: 

Yes, I had already written a blog talking about how Valentine's Day was going to suck because of our fight. Lol 

Let's see how this day turns out. 

New Territory: I Told My Son About Him

As you know, I have a teenage son. James hasn't met him yet. I hadn't even told my son I was dating yet. I needed to make up my mind about James first.

I don't like introducing men to my son unless I believe I have a candidate for a long term relationship. 

I spoke with my son yesterday and told him I was seeing someone I really liked. I told him James has three children. 

My son asked me whether he is the oldest, and I told him he is. Then he told me that he will size James up when he first shakes his hand. He said he will let me know if he picks up any bad vibes. 

I said, "Cool, let me know if I need to watch out for anything!" 

My son is protective of me. We make a great team.

Update about our First Fight

I know I need to finish telling you guys about the Flirtatious Conversations and what happened there, but I've also got to update you on the First Fight.

Since it just happened, AND we almost broke up, I'll update you on that first. I will do Part 2 to flirtation convos next week. 

About this past weekend:

Ok, so as I posted before, I guess the Cancer moon for last weekend had me all emo. Because I was just beginning to feel nitpicky and sensitive about what James said or did/didn't say or didn't do! 

I'm already very analytical, but my brain was working overtime last weekend. 

What sparked everything was him forgetting our date night. (Remember he agreed to a monthly date night with me back in nov?) What made it worse was that he called me and said he was gonna hang out with his cousin instead! I was so disappointed because I didn't feel like I asked for much out of him and the least he could do was remember date night! 

I began to think he is selfish and so my mind began recalling every incident so far that demonstrated other incidators of selfishness. I was driving home just racking up stuff! 

Me:

That time he used all the toilet paper and didn't put up another roll;

That time he drank all my rum because he felt like I took too long to drink it;

The time he flaked on me after we planned a trip to philly;

How he didn't want me to accept gifts from male friends anymore, but he doesn't buy me lots of gifts!!... 

The list kept growing and growing

I was fuming! But of course I just told him I was disappointed in him but go ahead and enjoy his evening with his cousin. But I told him not to worry about date night being a "thing" between us anymore. 

My feelings were so hurt but I refused to show exactly how much I hurt. Besides I wanted to be mature and handle the situation properly. (That's what I told myself)

I told him to just have fun with his cousin don't worry about me yes I'm disappointed but he made his choice so he just needs to go ahead and have fun without me. 

When I got home, he was just pulling up. Things were awkward. 

I didn't feel very happy but since I'd told him to go ahead, I knew it would be wrong to hold an attitude with James. 

I was hyper-aware of my actions toward him because I didn't want to talk about this any more. But I didn't want to be nasty to him. 

I think I was sullen but not nasty. He picked up on it, but I wasn't being mean or trying to start an argument, so he couldn't really say much. 

He remarked about my behavior and how it didn't feel good to him. He had never seen me upset before. He didn't know how to react to my emotional distance. 

I couldn't even help it though. I was disgusted. When he got dressed, I was thinking about how he's using my water to brush his teeth. I was hawking his outfit to make sure he didn't look too good! 

I damn near pushed him out the door.

I just wanted to be alone. 

He said he didn't like this. He didn't like the fact that I had not looked at him with loving kindness. He said he missed that I wasn't looking at him as though he was my favorite food. I said, "I don't feel very hungry tonight. Look you made your decision just go ahead and have fun on your date night with your Cuz!"

He just looked at me. Then he started pressing me out! Pressing me about whether I was angry or not and if I was angry what did it mean for him? 

"Are you going to talk to me over the weekend? Am I not going to hear from you for a few days? What does this really mean for me, Sha'ahn?"

I said, "If you were really that concerned you wouldn't have forgotten our night, so don't worry now!"

He left but was texting me a lot. He decided within an hour and a half of leaving to come back. He wanted to plan date night. We still had one day left in the month. But I was in my feelings so I said, "No."

I regret that choice now. Why? Because if I had just allowed him to make it up to me, we wouldn't have nearly broken up the next day. 

I felt like he needed to sweat! So I told him No, to his last-ditch effort to do date night, and no, he could not come to my house. He needed to go home! I also decided to get cute and hang out. I told him I was going to the local sports bar and grab a drink. Alone. 

He didn't like that, but oh well! (Between you and me, I really didn't go to the bar. I got dressed and everything but I realized I was on a budget and didn't need to buy drinks. So I made a drink for myself, got in my car and drove up a block from my house and just got tipsy there. That way I wasn't lying about going out LOL. It worked too. 

I called him while I was tipsy and we talked a long time. It was good for him to know I'm gonna do me but that doesn't mean I had to blow my budget. I still have to be smart about my money)

Over the rest of the weekend we were texting a lot. We spoke on the phone too. I just like to text things that are important so my words can be read and re-read! 

He's not a big texter so he would call in response to my texts. Harsh words were spoken (all from my part). I told him I could see he was a taker and it was too early in our relationship to be feeling like I'm taken for granted. I said I've compromised and loved you in spite of so much. And you can't even remember to do one thing a month? That sucks. What's missing??? I'm giving my best and treating you the way I want to be treated. Obviously it didn't work. 

I said I was gonna fall back and look out for me! 

He was pretty quiet while I ranted. 

On Sunday, we watched the Super Bowl together. Tension was still high but we knew we needed to talk. 

We didn't!

Not until Monday. 

We talked through everything. James read my texts over and we sat and talked. He acknowledged his slack. He said he definitely got comfortable quickly. He apologized for not making me feel appreciated and loved. He said he did not want to throw in the towel and that my issues were easy to fix. 

He said he truly loves me. I'm unlike any woman he's ever dated and he is the happiest he's ever been. 

I asked what was holding him back, and he said he is still apprehensive about us, but it has nothing to do with me. He's just afraid of being hurt.

I told him to make up his mind. Either jump in feet first or get out the water. 

He said he just felt like he rushed me into a relationship so he wasn't sure whether I was going to stay with him. 

I told him that I did feel pushed initially, but that I am committed now for infinity. And I haven't showed that I don't want him. But he did feel like I was so up and down in the earlier months. (And I was!) 

I acknowledged my flakiness, but pointed out that since we decided to be exclusive, I've shown him nothing but solid commitment! I can't promise we will never break up, but the probability is unlikely. 

So, we are moving forward. I think we have passed the critical 6 month mark, and are "serious." No more BS. 

He's all in and so am I.... 

This is so crazy. Scary and beautiful all at once. 

New Territory: Flirtatious Conversations Cause Trouble PART ONE

DRAMA.... Or should I say, Almost drama

Ok, so James (AKA Dimples) and I are both huge flirts, and we like attention.
To be perfectly honest, up until the last couple weeks, I had been having some flirtatious conversations with a male acquaintance. I knew that I should cut it out, but I viewed it as harmless talk since I had no intentions on taking the conversations from the internet to real life.

In fact, I didn't ever bring up anything sexual, but I won't sugarcoat what I did. Being in a committed relationship means that texting or conversing with someone should always be respectful of my relationship. All conversations should be deemed as appropriate. Meaning, whatever is said, can be repeated in front of James, with no problems.

I can not say that I was always respectful of my relationship while engaging in these conversations. In my mind, I was not doing anything TOO BAD. I justified my behavior by telling myself that in the past, I'd done worse than just exchange racy words.

I was taking my time phasing out men with whom I was previously "talking to," getting to know.

James and I have been consistently getting closer. We didn't (and would not at that time) rush each other to get rid of any "friends."

UNTIL NOW

Okay, okay... We still aren't rushing each other, but both of us got a rude awakening in the last week due to both of us being exposed for having inappropriate conversations with people who were more into us, than we were into them.

"See, what had happened was..."

I was holding sporadic IMs with a couple guys on facebook. Not every day, but on a consistent enough basis to where they were comfortable calling me pet names and stuff. I never called anyone baby or sweetie, but I didn't have issues with them saying that to me. Anyway, I knew in my heart that I should have cut off everyone. And I cut off MOST. When I would get a text or IM asking me out or something, I would say, "I am seeing someone now." But if it was a message from someone I knew I would never see in person, I just let it go on. Sometimes it was out of boredom. Maybe it was out of habit; I don't know exactly why, but it definitely was NOT out of sincere interest in getting to know these guys any further.

James found out about it quite by accident. He was on my laptop looking up something on Google. I already had a tab open for Facebook. Well, guess what happens soon as he closes his tab? You guessed it! The messenger just happens to pop up! And who is it? A guy I had been chatting with.

BUSTED

James scrolls up a little. He notices that the convo was not sexual, but he also noticed that the guy and I were talking about meeting up. I had invited him to an event (that I didn't think he would ever come to, which is why I invited him) that I was planning to go to, but I wasn't even sure I would actually be there! In my mind, I knew nothing was really going on. Just empty words exchanged between me and this guy I cared nothing about. However,

THIS DID NOT LOOK GOOD

I didn't say anything. I just waited for James to speak. Unfortunately, I had to leave for school, so we really couldn't converse. He just told me to call him when I was on lunch break. I reluctantly left the house. The whole time I was driving, I was nervous. I didn't have any excuse for carrying on the conversation on Facebook. And I kept telling myself that I should have ended it earlier that week, when the thought had first crossed my mind. That was the most ironic thing about it. (The fact that I was going to cut the guy off only three days before this incident!)

Now I was in hot water. But deep down, I knew James would not be going anywhere. How did I know? I just did. I mean, how could he leave now, when everything is just getting good? We are seeing each other almost every day now. He's always telling me how much he loves me. These are the thoughts I had as I drove to school, and sat is school, and later drove home.

James texted me on my way home. He told me he was at my house. My stomach flipped. This was most definitely a good sign. As I got closer to home, I began rehearsing what I would say to James.
I decided I would ask him whether we were done with the "Honeymoon" phase. I already decided that I would fight for him, but I wouldn't be living without trust. He would have to be able to move on from this and not hold it over my head later. I was nervous but ready to face whatever consequences lay ahead.

TO BE CONTINUED....

New Territory: I asked to meet the kids

I got home from school and James was already there. He'd brought groceries for the next few days and had been prepping a snack for me when I walked in. I was very early, which surprised him. 

He'd deliberately gotten to my house extra early to surprise me with a snack and my favorite drink. 

I told him I was sorry for the lack of traffic, but it couldn't be helped! 

I wasn't feeling too well and James offered to rub my stomach. 

We just chatted. I began to feel better and called my mom. She and James spoke a bit. My mom wants to meet him. 

I told her she would soon enough. 

After talking to my mom, James and I watched tv until I had a huge thought. 

I sat on James' lap facing him and looked him in the eye. I told him I think it's time for me to meet his children. I mean, formally. 

I had been thinking about it for quite a while. Well, about a week! Lol 

We are becoming so close. He has a toothbrush in my bathroom and everything. I think it's time to integrate the children because I'm beginning to fall deeper and I don't want to get too accustomed just being with James, when in reality, he's a package. 

There's another component that I need to consider you know? 

I told him that I need to know whether I want his children in my life. Because if not, we won't last. So it's time to find out and go to step III. (Meet the kids)

He just stared so I asked what his thoughts were. He said he was surprised that I was asking to meet them sooner rather than later. I told him it's because at this point, I'm all in. And if we broke up, I'd really hurt, so let's start integrating the children in now before I get even deeper, and the. Later meet his kids, and THEN realize I don't want to be involved... That would suck. 

He said he understood what I was saying and he said he's okay with it. 

I did have to be sure to tell him that I am not trying to rush! Lol 

But now he knows my thoughts. 

Some people ask why I'm so weird about children. It's not that I have issues with kids, it's just that THESE children have bearing on my relationship! NEW TERRITORY for me.... 

New Territory: I Think Too Much... I Think?

Sometimes its so hard to get out of my own head. At times, I get so upset with the world and everything that is going on around me, that I end up taking it out on Dimples.

He is extremely patient with me. I am moody. I dont think Im too bad, because Dimples thinks being with me is headache-free, but I wouldnt say that being with me is exactly a cakewalk either.

I have heavy baggage, and although I am in the process of shedding the weight, it can pull me down if I don't keep it under control.

Some baggage issues include:

Trust
communicating my TRUE feelings
accepting that I DESERVE happiness
giving love without fear
fear of failure
fear that Im never doing enough

That probably sums it up, but Im not even sure. LOL

Anyway, my thoughts can sometimes get the best of me, and I sometimes have a hard time distinguishing who my enemies are... I get short with Dimples... But he isnt combative.

That's good. He just gives me space and time. He offers to be there for me when Im ready.

Here's an excerpt of our text convo from last week, when I was tripping on him for no reason. Really I was upset with something else that was going on. Dimples handled me well...

NOTE: He's gray, Im blue B
Basically, I was saying that if he wants to break up, then fine. Even though he NEVER said he wanted to. LOL I was tripping.

New Territory: Uninvited Guest

Awwww I came home from my first day of school and saw Dimples' car parked in my driveway. I gave him the code to my garage a while ago, so he was already in the house waiting for me.

At first, I was a little ticked off that he came over an IN my house without asking first, but since I really have nothing to hide, I guess it was okay.

I walked in and he was waiting for me. He said he just wanted to know how my first day of school was and since he unexpectedly had some time off, he decided to meet me at my place.

I asked him how long he was here and he said a couple hours! I told him that I appreciated him surprising me, but dont be up chilling in the crib without my permission! 

OMG  Gotta love him, but now Im watching out... Better not be a stalker...

Anyway, I told him about my first day at school and I was so excited that I get a lab coat. He told me to model the lab coat. I said naked? He said, with underwear. So I disrobed down to my skivvies, and modeled the lab coat. He really liked that.

Then I started to do my Jerome from Martin dance, and Dimples didnt like that part too much. Oh well... 

New Territory: Im So Lucky!

Dimples is just as mushy and corny as I am.
Thinking back on many of our conversations, the dialogue sounds like the script out of a romantic comedy. Im serious!

He is always telling me how much he loves me, and he would be crazy to walk away from me.
Im always telling him that Im going to marry him one day! He doesnt even balk. In fact, he always nods in agreement.

I just laugh so hard when Im with him.
I feel like a teenager again, all googly-eyed and in love.
I am Happy. 

I know I've never touched on this, but our physical chemistry is FIRE.
And even though we dont always become physically intimate when we spend time together, when we do, it's amazing.

He is so open about his feelings. I can hardly believe it sometimes, the way he talks to me and expresses himself. I know many men dont like to show vulnerability. But Dimples showed me his vulnerable side and made me open up to him more than I ever have to anyone else before.

As I said above, I really do feel like Im in some type of fantasy or movie. Dimples just gets me. And I get him. He is sensitive. I never knew I would love a sensitive man, but I do.

Maybe I didnt know even what sensitive meant back then.

I do now though. And I realize that it takes a really strong person to be sensitive. To have a big heart.

I am so fortunate to have this experience. Even if we dont last, at least I will have known what true happiness is.

New Territory: Our First Trip to a Gay Sports Bar / Patience is a Virtue

On Our Way Out

Going out on actual dates can be challenging when dating someone with children. As I've already told you in previous posts, Dimples and I don't get out much because of his schedule. I get frustrated sometimes, but after making my mind up to be patient, I have been trying my best not to complain about his lack of availability.

We agreed to see each other at least three times a week and have a date night once a month that can not be cancelled except in cases of extreme emergency.

After nearly a month, I hadnt been seeing as much of Dimples as I had hoped. I was getting frustrated. I told my mom the way I felt. I told my best friend. I told them how I was struggling keeping myself busy on the weekends, while Dimples was attending soccer games and doing other daddy duties. Sometimes, it felt like he'd forgotten about me. But I have to give him credit for always texting me to let me know he was thinking of me, or he loved me. He also makes it a point to call me every evening. But still, sometimes I would feel neglected. For example, I had a big state board test to take, and Dimples didnt even wish me luck the morning I went.

After the exam was over, I was so nervous about whether or not I passed the test that I couldnt even eat! I was in agony going over the test in my head a million times, trying to figure out where I may have messed up. I really needed the extra support from Dimples, and I didnt get it, because he was tied up with work, and his children's activities. I understood that I needed to be patient, but it was hard. Especially since I was stressing over my test.

He texted me and told me he felt really bad for not wishing me luck. He said that I shouldnt worry about the exam, and he knows I passed. I accepted his apology and I planned to talk to him when I saw him next to air my grievances.

The next day I saw him but i didnt bring up any issues. Something told me not to say anything. I decided to enjoy his visit. We watched a movie and laughed a lot, as usual. He asked me if I wanted to go out. I didnt feel up to it, but was glad that he had suggested it. The next day, he spent more time with me than usual.

The evening after that, he texted me around 1030 to ask me if I wanted to go out. I was in bed, thinking I was in for the night, but we hadnt been out together since our first date, so of course I was not going to turn him down again!

He told me I had about 45 minutes to get ready. I was so excited. I decided to wear some retro Jordache jeans and a Free People sweater. I chose a comfortable platform bootie that gave me a little height, just in case we went dancing or something. He's so much taller than I am, so it was best to wear heels.

He picked me up and we were on our way. As we pull off, he asks me if I want to go anywhere in particular. I didn't care where we went, I was just happy to be with him, in his own space, so to speak. He said, "Let's just drive and play it by ear." I was cool with that.

He started playing music, and I instantly started to fall even harder for him, because what did he put on? Why, 90s Hip Hop, of course! I felt even more at home with him. I probably fell that much deeper in love with him as we rode up I95 toward D.C.

I felt "home." That's the best way to describe the way I felt. 

Conversation was great, and of course we just laughed a lot and continued getting to know each other. I have to let you guys know that his car was spotless! I like that.

Anyway, we got to DC and decided to go to U Street. I knew where to park that wouldnt put us too far from what was happening in the street! Im glad he listened to me, otherwise we would have been driving around all night. It was already nearing midnight, so we needed to find a parking spot quickly and get the party started.

When I got out of the car that cold air HIT ME! It was so cold. Dimples exclaimed, "We are going to go into the first bar that doesnt have a line to get in. Okay?" I agreed.

We walked by a couple spots with lines down the street. Then Dimples looked across the street and we noticed a really cool looking spot that only had a handful of people in line to get in. We beelined over there. Once we walked inside, we noticed that there was a bar about 10 feet from the door. Dimples walked right up to the bar. I decided we should at least walk a bit further into the place before we order drinks to get a feel for it.

It was a welcoming atmosphere and the music was kicking. It was a sports bar, and had lots of televisions broadcasting sporting events. There were three levels, and a rooftop deck, but of course it was too cold to go up there. We posted up at a back bar near some stairs. Dimples ordered us drinks. I began to really look around at the crowd and noticed the significant lack of women.

I tapped Dimples. "Uh, babe. I think this is a gay bar."
He looked down at me. "Huh? Why do you say that?"

I said, "Look around. Where are the women? There's only a few and check out how many dudes are in here!"

Dimples, surveyed the room. He looked at me, and said, "I think you're right!"

We just thought about it for a moment and spoke at the same time:

-"Do you want to leave?" (Me)
- "I think I'm uncomfortable in here now." (Him)

I said, "It's cold out there. It's not too crowded here. Let's just stay. Nobody is paying us any mind. Let's just get a drink and then we should go, I guess. But I dont have a problem if you don't."

He just shrugged and said, "Well, I guess now you know that we can have fun anywhere!"

That was that. We had so much fun. At first it seemed like people were staring at us as though we didnt belong, but maybe that was all a figment of our imaginations.

The patrons were cool. And nobody was over the top, or flamboyant. But, Dimples witnessed something that got him hyped.

Turns out that as I'm sipping my drink and people watching, I missed somthing, but my date didnt! Dimples leans down and whispers in my ear, "Hey guess what I just saw?" (I shrug in response) "The bartender kissed another man right on the lips," he continued. "You know what that means, right?"

I look at him dumbfounded. He said, "That means we can do whatever we want! No rules! I want to put you on the bar and kiss you!" Then he starts to pick me up. I say, "NO! NO! NO!"

He's laughing at me. He keeps attempting to sit me on the bar until I say, "Please don't embarrass me!"  That made him chill out. Phew! I hate to cause a scene.... Sometimes.

The rest of the night was cool. We just sipped our drinks, made out in a demonstration of obnixious hetero PDA, and was just hugged up at the bar. I met a funny white girl who took our picture.

Dimples swears I kissed that girl, but I have no recollection of it.

After we left the bar (which is called, Nellie's), we hustled back to his car. It was FREEZING. He offered me his warm puffy vest, and I got instant warmth when I put it on! Glad he's chivalrous, or else I would have been an ice pop by the time we reached his car.

Once we were inside his car, I was all over him! Just kissing him and touching him everywhere! He was a little surprised, like, "You're doing this in my car?" I just felt so much for him because he is so cool! A lot of men would have dragged me out of that gay sports bar and into the biting cold because of their fear of being taken for a softie or downlow homosexual, just for staying in the bar. But Dimples said he really doesnt have a problem, as long as no dudes try to make any advances. Nobody did, because it was clear we were an item.

He has an open mind, and a kind, gentle disposition. But he is still strong and extremely masculine. Very balanced. That is what I had been looking for my entire life, and didnt even know it until I met Dimples.

Both of us were really hungry once we left Nellie's, so we headed to Denny's. He ordered the bottomless pancakes and really dug in. He ate four stacks! Sheesh, what an appetite! Funny thing is, he fell asleep on me before we even finished. I guess he was pooped. Our waiter was funny and we cracked a few jokes about my sleeping giant...

I woke him up and he drove us back to my place where we both passed out.

Great night!

Those hotcakes didnt stand a chance!

New Territory: I made a pic of us my locked screensaver...

Yes, You read the title correctly. I actually made a picture of us my locked screensaver...

It really is official. I love him!