Drama? I Should Have Seen It Coming. Its My Fault Anyway

The reason I blog about my relationships is not to brag when they are going well, or complain when they are going wrong. I do it for several reasons. Some of those reasons are self-serving, and other reasons are purely to motivate, encourage and serve my readers.

When I started posting videos about my relationship back in December 2012, it was purely to give a voice to black women who were dating Asian men. I was in this new relationship with a man from Bali. I met him when I was working on cruise ships and he was my coworker. He wasn't born and raised in America, and only visited every home port day! LOL. It was a culture shock for us both when he secured a visa and visited me in winter. I was in love. I was curious about what I may expect from interacting with his family and stuff. So, I searched the internet for videos about AMBW relationships. I was also looking for some help coping with the long distance situation as well.

I simply couldn't find anything that resonated with my age group and background, so I created my own space. I decided to share my experience, so other women could see or feel what I went through. You know? Maybe they could relate. That's actually what happened, and I began to build a following on YouTube. Many are reading this blog today. (If you have been with me since 2012 Bless you! And thank you. LOL)

Well, when Bali broke my heart in May 2013, I decided to document my dates online. I was embarrassed, but I still recorded and posted about him dumping me. I also told the world that I was going to create dating profiles online and tell them everything that happened.

After Bali, I honestly didn't think I would find a guy any time soon. I just knew I was not going to hide and sulk. Even though it happened in public, and people saw what I considered a failure, I kept going. Why? Well as I said, some of it was because I liked being in the limelight. I liked thinking of myself as a brave soul who was going to openly dish about her dating experiences. Maybe Ellen DeGeneres would see my blog or YouTube channel, and set me up with my dream man! But I also thought that maybe I would be able to help that woman who had given up on dating, to find renewed strength to get back out there and snag her a man!

I didn't think too much about how people might use my blog and videos to attack me though.
Big shock for me when I was dating Bali, that our videos got hundreds of hateful comments about interracial dating and how it was so wrong. Some said I betrayed my race, others called me horrid names... But comments like those eventually became easy to ignore. 

Fast forward to today mid-June 2015. I'm dating a kind, handsome, intelligent Black man. He really isn't perfect, but dammit, he tries to make me happy, you know? And he values me. We talk about everything and even though I have HORRIBLE mood swings, he sticks around.

A lot of people are happy for me. Especially those who have been around since the beginning. But some people are not happy about my new-found love and relationship. Being public about my relationship means I have to be prepared for the comments, spam and even venomous comments meant to place seeds of doubt and discord between my man and me.

In May I got comments on two blog posts and a message that made me pause. If you happened to catch the comments, then you know which ones I'm referring to, but I had to delete them because they contained some foul language that I was not comfortable leaving up on my blog. The comments were about James. I think it was an ex, or maybe a jumpoff who left the comment because they made a reference about something only those in intimate situations with him would know about. (HINT HINT WINK WINK) But truly, it could be anybody. Who knows?

In a nutshell, an anonymous commenter said James was a womanizer with an insatiable sexual appetite who would bring other women to my house and all that, as soon as my back was turned. The ghostwriter also said that basically everyone knows about his cheating ways except me and that these women would happily continue to be around even though he is with me.

My first reaction was shock of course, and embarrassment that someone would post details about sex right there in the comment box. My mom reads this blog! LOL so I got that thing down quick. At first I wasn't going to respond because if the commenter, didn't even have the courage to leave a name (fake or otherwise), why would I even give it consideration? And on top of that, if the situation was so good for her/the ladies, why would they mess it up by throwing a spotlight on it?

One of my regular blog supporters replied to the negative commenter and the commenter replied back. That was when I stepped in and said I don't respond to ghosts. The commenter came back with a scathing comment that was too lewd to keep posted. So I replied again, but this time I simply directed them to phone me with their issue. Why? Because what is the point in going back and forth on a blog? Especially with someone who is a coward and a liar? Besides, I'd rather have proof, so now they have my number! Funny, but since I posted my number, the commenter has been quiet.

So, I believe its just someone trying to throw salt in the game.

James was already over it, because he knows he didn't do anything wrong. Plus the commenter messed up and gave herself away by a statement she made that was so obviously a lie, it really blew her claims out the water. So I had to look at everything else she said as a probable lie as well. Even though I realized that she was bogus, it took me a while to get back to normal. I had James checking in like he was a parolee for a whole week there. LOL

You may be surprised to learn this, but it wasn't the comments from the hater that planted the seeds of doubt in my mind. Those doubts surfaced because I had doubts in myself. And that's when I realized that trust is a BIG DEAL. I choose to trust him. Just like he trusts me. But I did not trust myself.


I think what people fail to realize is that I am not the innocent one in all of this. I put James through a lot from the beginning. I was still talking to other guys all the way up to March! James found out and was angry with me. But he gave me a chance. Since then, I've not strayed. And I will not be straying. He is just too good to me. And I am tired of playing these games.

You're probably asking yourself what the heck is wrong with this woman? And you are right to do so. I told you guys before that I had trust issues and fear of committing. You know why? I hadn't put the garbage out. (Garbage from past traumas) So, in my mind, I needed a backup in case this relationships didn't work out. I needed a safety net. I could not give James my whole heart because what if he decided he didn't want to guard it anymore? People do change their minds you know.
And just because I'm this dating expert and I practice Law of Attraction, do you think I'm immune to the bullshit of living? I have been on a healing journey for quite some time, thought I cleared out my closets...

I was wrong. I still had a lot of crap in my closet and poor James got much of it dumped out on him. So all the times I wouldn't call him for days at a time, or I cursed him out for no reason, or I tried to hurt him because he unintentionally hurt me... Just bullshit.

So let me admit right now that yes, I know drama will come from outside. It's inevitable. But I refuse to let drama come from inside of me. I've been waffling this entire relationship. James said I've been trying to sabotage it from day one. (Remember the story of how we met and I almost didnt come out to meet him? READ IT HERE) That whole interaction was a sort of precursor to our story and the way it's been unfolding.

Personally, I'm tired of the ups and downs that my distrust in myself has caused. James has proven to me time and again that he is with me and not giving up. I really don't know why he is so adamant about keeping me. But I will say this. No matter what anyone says about him, I am standing by him. I know him. I love him and I'm going to keep him. I tried to break up with James again over the weekend. He asked me why and I told him because it's easier to do that than share my feelings. Its easier to lash out than to open up. UGH He refuses to stop loving me no matter what I do!

LOL I give up. I'm not fighting him anymore. He got me. Im his. Im tired of fighting him anyway. Im ready to settle down.

For those reading with the intention of trying to break us up:

You will be ignored and comments deleted. Nothing you write will get a rise out of me. If you are seriously trying to report an infidelity or cautioning me, you need to message me, or call me with proof. Empty statements and vague comments or threats and all that won't fly.

Bye Felicia or bye Felix. You lose.

his text to me after I tried breaking up with him

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An Easter Weekend Wedding Road Trip to Remember

Warning: This may turn out to be a long post. Sit back and get ready to read.
I'm gonna tell you right now. This weekend will forever be remembered.

WHY?
Well, Many milestones were achieved: 

This weekend was our first road trip together.
This weekend James met my mom.
This weekend was my first time back in Albany, NY in at least a decade.
This weekend I had a mental break.
This weekend I learned that James is here to stay.
It was Easter. 

I decided I wanted a baby.

I had planned to write this blog entry on Monday to publish Tuesday. I just couldn't find a place to begin. There was so much that happened, I felt like it would take FOREVER to recap.

So, I decided to simply start writing, and whatever comes out, gets published.

Ready? OKAY...

Back in January, I was invited to my uncle's wedding in upstate New York. I had planned to take my son, but he didn't want to go. So, naturally, I asked James to take me. He agreed to go, and we made plans for the trip. We decided initially to catch the train, since fares were reasonable. Later, we decided to drive my car. That way, we could get around easily once we reached Albany. It was also a great opportunity to talk. Our favorite past time is talking to each other. I was really looking forward to the trip.

Things started to unravel for me:

When the time of the wedding grew closer, I began to get excited and nervous because this event was huge for our relationship. James is going to meet my mom's side of the family, including cousins, uncles, aunts and siblings. (He had already met my father back in the Fall.)

A week and a half before the wedding, James and I noticed that I had a bit of an attitude. At the time, we both thought it was nothing serious. Bad moods come and go. It's just a part of life. Im usually real cool and easygoing about most things. But I was irritable, and I kept starting little fights with him.
I thought it was due to the chronic neck pain I have. Most times I can ignore it, but when I get stressed, it gets worse and of course contributes to my level of overall comfort/attitude.

Wedding week finally rolls around. James asked me what was going on, because I wasn't my usual bubbly self. I told him I didnt know. Maybe I just felt like stirring up trouble?  We carried on the week as usual, and James sort of started walking on eggshells around me, but we were ok.

My previous weekend was super busy with work and a trip to NYC. I have just started a new business, in addition to my other two internet-based businesses. I also was recently approved to begin installing lash extensions. I still work part time at the spa and I'm in school full time. This is a transitional time in my life, deciding what direction in which to head with my career and stuff. There are also some financial issues I'm dealing with too being limited on time to work... Honestly, I think the weight of all that was catching up to me.

The Worst April Fool's Day Prank EVER

James decided to play a little prank on me. He told me two days before the wedding, that he was not able to accompany me. He sent a text message. It was late. I was about to go to bed. I saw the text, and I just deflated! I turned the phone off, without responding, and attempted to sleep.

My mind was racing! I told myself that he was definitely joking and I was sure to wake up to a "Gotcha!" text, or voicemail. After a very fitful night of what I will loosely call, "sleeping," I woke up around 0630, and guess what I found?

NOTHING. No Text. No voicemail. Not from James. I did, however, receive a text from my mom saying how excited she was to meet James. I replied with a screenshot of the text James sent me.

I was so angry. I was shaking mad. I texted him that I hope this is a joke, and if not, I pray that nobody is seriously injured. (In my mind, that would be the only reason he would cancel)

He called me. I answered. He told me he was joking and that he had sent a second text telling me as much. I never got that text. It never came through. So all night, I thought he may be serious.

I was just too through. I told him that was a horrible joke, and it was NOT the right time to play it. Besides, we are adults. Why play April Fool's on me? He apologized profusely. Things seemed ok still. I mean, I was testy, and it did take a couple days to get over it, but I did get over it.

(SO I THOUGHT)

The day of the trip comes. It's Good Friday.

James and I split the cost of the trip and we each had different duties to make the 6-hour trip as pleasant as possible. James came over, got my stuff, loaded the car up and waited on me. Once I was finished getting myself ready, I told him I was ready to leave. He was driving.

About five minutes into the trip, I began getting irritated at the music James chose to listen to. I just was not in the mood for rap music. I told him I didnt want to hear that trash. He told me that he couldnt listen to anything slow. I said I could listen to anything as long as I enjoyed the music. Didnt matter what it was.

I decided to drive. James didnt protest, although I know he wanted to. He used to drive a truck, and he's a logistics manager. I knew all these facts, but I just felt like I should drive and listen to music, in an effort to calm myself down from all this ridiculous irritability. James found a rest area on the highway, and we switched places. Funny thing is, I did not even want to drive. 

I took the wheel. The whole time, Im going over everything James did wrong leading up to the trip. The way he was slow in giving me a response about escorting me all the way up to that dumb April Fool's prank. Anything he said in an attempt to make conversation with me was furiously shut down.

James had enough after a while. He told me that he didnt deserve to be talked to the way I was talking to him. He said that he would rather walk on the highway all the way to New York than continue the way we were. 

I became livid! Mostly because I knew that I was acting out and totally agreed with him that I shouldnt speak to him the way I was. But I was so upset about everything else that had transpired, I just couldnt get a grip and separate all of that from what was actually happening in the moment. 

I tightened my grip on the steering wheel and screeched across three lanes of traffic on the highway toward the first exit I saw. We were somewhere in Maryland. I was scared, but at this point pride set in, so I didnt show my fear. 

I roughly pulled into a Wendy's parking lot somewhere in Oxen Hill, Md. James was silent. I turned to look at him. I wanted to apologize and hug him. I didnt do that though. I just stared at him with daggers in my eyes. He calmly told me that he just needed to make a phone call, and he would be out of the car soon. He said if that was too much, then he would go inside the restaurant. 

Im telling you guys, I truly did NOT want James to leave. I didnt want him to feel upset, or hurt and angry. I just wanted everyting to be okay. But things just were not ok. I did not know how to simply "get on and over it."

I just continued to stare at James. Finally after a few tense moments that seemed to go on forever, I told James that I thought I was having a nervous breakdown. He was silent. I got upset again. I asked him whether or not he heard me. He said he had, but he didnt know what to say. He said he never experienced this, and maybe I needed to go to the hospital. 

I said, I didnt know what to do, but I knew that I was not feeling like myself. I'm usually in control of my emotions. I rarely cry or lose control of myself in any given situation. I pride myself on being able to objectively assess situations and act accordingly. 

NOT THIS PARTICULAR EVENING

I just could not see the bright side to anything in those moments. I was yelling at James. I told him that since we weren't married, that he wasn't obligated to stick with me during this rough time. (subliminal message: If you leave, don't think we are fixing this.)

I almost cried like five times during this exchange. I NEVER cry. 
James was sitting there with his mouth hanging open. He could not believe what was happening. Neither could I. Worst part was that I didnt know what to do to fix things. 

James knew what to do. He took my hand and asked me what I wanted to do. I told him that I didnt know. I said that maybe it would be best to just turn around and head home. He said that he would drive. I should relax. We could listen to whatever I wanted to listen to. He told me that we should go to the wedding. 

I said, "Ok." We switched places again.  

It was silent. I began to cry. James did not know. I told him I was afraid he would leave me because apparently Im crazy. He said, he wasnt going anywhere.

"Married, or not. I'm still your man. And I am here now."

I said, "But, what if I truly have a disorder?" 

"Well, let's take it one day at a time. After you see a therapist or something, then let's talk. But I doubt that is the case, and as I said, Im here."

I told him that he is too good to me. I love him. 

The events of the weekend confirmed the way I feel about James, and I know he loves me. He is definitely here for me and has my back!

 

























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New Territory: He Thinks I'm Cold Hearted

OThis morning James and I were talking as per the usual, and I brought up the fact that an ex-boyfriend of mine told me he was getting married. 

One thing lead to another, and we started talking about breakups and exes and stuff.

At the end, James tells me that if he left me, I probably wouldn't even be broken-hearted. He said, "You'd move on fast!" 

I thought about it. 

"Yes, I'd move on, but not too quickly. I truly love you and I'd be hurt for sure. I just don't believe in dwelling in negativity." 

Life goes on! Right?!!