Thursday, June 18, 2015

Drama? I Should Have Seen It Coming. Its My Fault Anyway

The reason I blog about my relationships is not to brag when they are going well, or complain when they are going wrong. I do it for several reasons. Some of those reasons are self-serving, and other reasons are purely to motivate, encourage and serve my readers.

When I started posting videos about my relationship back in December 2012, it was purely to give a voice to black women who were dating Asian men. I was in this new relationship with a man from Bali. I met him when I was working on cruise ships and he was my coworker. He wasn't born and raised in America, and only visited every home port day! LOL. It was a culture shock for us both when he secured a visa and visited me in winter. I was in love. I was curious about what I may expect from interacting with his family and stuff. So, I searched the internet for videos about AMBW relationships. I was also looking for some help coping with the long distance situation as well.

I simply couldn't find anything that resonated with my age group and background, so I created my own space. I decided to share my experience, so other women could see or feel what I went through. You know? Maybe they could relate. That's actually what happened, and I began to build a following on YouTube. Many are reading this blog today. (If you have been with me since 2012 Bless you! And thank you. LOL)

Well, when Bali broke my heart in May 2013, I decided to document my dates online. I was embarrassed, but I still recorded and posted about him dumping me. I also told the world that I was going to create dating profiles online and tell them everything that happened.

After Bali, I honestly didn't think I would find a guy any time soon. I just knew I was not going to hide and sulk. Even though it happened in public, and people saw what I considered a failure, I kept going. Why? Well as I said, some of it was because I liked being in the limelight. I liked thinking of myself as a brave soul who was going to openly dish about her dating experiences. Maybe Ellen DeGeneres would see my blog or YouTube channel, and set me up with my dream man! But I also thought that maybe I would be able to help that woman who had given up on dating, to find renewed strength to get back out there and snag her a man!

I didn't think too much about how people might use my blog and videos to attack me though.
Big shock for me when I was dating Bali, that our videos got hundreds of hateful comments about interracial dating and how it was so wrong. Some said I betrayed my race, others called me horrid names... But comments like those eventually became easy to ignore. 

Fast forward to today mid-June 2015. I'm dating a kind, handsome, intelligent Black man. He really isn't perfect, but dammit, he tries to make me happy, you know? And he values me. We talk about everything and even though I have HORRIBLE mood swings, he sticks around.

A lot of people are happy for me. Especially those who have been around since the beginning. But some people are not happy about my new-found love and relationship. Being public about my relationship means I have to be prepared for the comments, spam and even venomous comments meant to place seeds of doubt and discord between my man and me.

In May I got comments on two blog posts and a message that made me pause. If you happened to catch the comments, then you know which ones I'm referring to, but I had to delete them because they contained some foul language that I was not comfortable leaving up on my blog. The comments were about James. I think it was an ex, or maybe a jumpoff who left the comment because they made a reference about something only those in intimate situations with him would know about. (HINT HINT WINK WINK) But truly, it could be anybody. Who knows?

In a nutshell, an anonymous commenter said James was a womanizer with an insatiable sexual appetite who would bring other women to my house and all that, as soon as my back was turned. The ghostwriter also said that basically everyone knows about his cheating ways except me and that these women would happily continue to be around even though he is with me.

My first reaction was shock of course, and embarrassment that someone would post details about sex right there in the comment box. My mom reads this blog! LOL so I got that thing down quick. At first I wasn't going to respond because if the commenter, didn't even have the courage to leave a name (fake or otherwise), why would I even give it consideration? And on top of that, if the situation was so good for her/the ladies, why would they mess it up by throwing a spotlight on it?

One of my regular blog supporters replied to the negative commenter and the commenter replied back. That was when I stepped in and said I don't respond to ghosts. The commenter came back with a scathing comment that was too lewd to keep posted. So I replied again, but this time I simply directed them to phone me with their issue. Why? Because what is the point in going back and forth on a blog? Especially with someone who is a coward and a liar? Besides, I'd rather have proof, so now they have my number! Funny, but since I posted my number, the commenter has been quiet.

So, I believe its just someone trying to throw salt in the game.

James was already over it, because he knows he didn't do anything wrong. Plus the commenter messed up and gave herself away by a statement she made that was so obviously a lie, it really blew her claims out the water. So I had to look at everything else she said as a probable lie as well. Even though I realized that she was bogus, it took me a while to get back to normal. I had James checking in like he was a parolee for a whole week there. LOL

You may be surprised to learn this, but it wasn't the comments from the hater that planted the seeds of doubt in my mind. Those doubts surfaced because I had doubts in myself. And that's when I realized that trust is a BIG DEAL. I choose to trust him. Just like he trusts me. But I did not trust myself.

I think what people fail to realize is that I am not the innocent one in all of this. I put James through a lot from the beginning. I was still talking to other guys all the way up to March! James found out and was angry with me. But he gave me a chance. Since then, I've not strayed. And I will not be straying. He is just too good to me. And I am tired of playing these games.

You're probably asking yourself what the heck is wrong with this woman? And you are right to do so. I told you guys before that I had trust issues and fear of committing. You know why? I hadn't put the garbage out. (Garbage from past traumas) So, in my mind, I needed a backup in case this relationships didn't work out. I needed a safety net. I could not give James my whole heart because what if he decided he didn't want to guard it anymore? People do change their minds you know.
And just because I'm this dating expert and I practice Law of Attraction, do you think I'm immune to the bullshit of living? I have been on a healing journey for quite some time, thought I cleared out my closets...

I was wrong. I still had a lot of crap in my closet and poor James got much of it dumped out on him. So all the times I wouldn't call him for days at a time, or I cursed him out for no reason, or I tried to hurt him because he unintentionally hurt me... Just bullshit.

So let me admit right now that yes, I know drama will come from outside. It's inevitable. But I refuse to let drama come from inside of me. I've been waffling this entire relationship. James said I've been trying to sabotage it from day one. (Remember the story of how we met and I almost didnt come out to meet him? READ IT HERE) That whole interaction was a sort of precursor to our story and the way it's been unfolding.

Personally, I'm tired of the ups and downs that my distrust in myself has caused. James has proven to me time and again that he is with me and not giving up. I really don't know why he is so adamant about keeping me. But I will say this. No matter what anyone says about him, I am standing by him. I know him. I love him and I'm going to keep him. I tried to break up with James again over the weekend. He asked me why and I told him because it's easier to do that than share my feelings. Its easier to lash out than to open up. UGH He refuses to stop loving me no matter what I do!

LOL I give up. I'm not fighting him anymore. He got me. Im his. Im tired of fighting him anyway. Im ready to settle down.

For those reading with the intention of trying to break us up:

You will be ignored and comments deleted. Nothing you write will get a rise out of me. If you are seriously trying to report an infidelity or cautioning me, you need to message me, or call me with proof. Empty statements and vague comments or threats and all that won't fly.

Bye Felicia or bye Felix. You lose.

his text to me after I tried breaking up with him

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Jewel Edwards-Ashman said...

BOOM! That's how you shut down haters and naysayers ;)

blkpixie said...

I've been following you on youtube almost from the very beginning and i couldn't be happier for you!!! You dealt with the haters perfectly….. i needed to read this. I have some of the same issues. My bf is so good to me but its so hard for me to let my guard down and to open up. I tried breaking up with him several times just because, like you said, it was just easier than actually opening up and giving into it 100%.. he stays by me and has vowed to stick it out to the end, i just hope i can let go of the past and let him totally in before he gives up. awesome read.

Sha'ahn said...

Thx pixie! Just let go! Life is too short to live in fear

blkpixie said...

so true!

Sha'ahn said...

Have u read the anniversary podt?