Thursday, May 14, 2015

We Are on a Rollercoaster Ride...

Image result for scared face roller coaster
funny, but that would be james and i if the pic represented our relationship right now. he's all ready to move forward and im all scared...

You are probably going to be upset with me after you read this blog post.
Im just going to cut right to the chase, and tell you what's on my mind.

I am having serious doubts.

As James and I get closer, I am feeling more apprehensive about things because I truly am not certain that I want to settle down with a man who has children.

This whole time, I've been getting to know him with the knowledge that one day I will have to begin dating his children too. It was never something I can say I looked forward to with great joy. In fact, if you've been following the blog, you already know how I feel about this.

Other than the fact that I don't know how I will fit in, or be able to seamlessly be integrated into James' life with his children, Im really unsure whether I even want to take on responsibility of caring for three children on a daily basis.

I love James. I love the man he is. He is a family man. He is honest, and loyal to those he loves. He is a good father who enjoys raising children. He has so much love in his heart, that of course I want to feel it, and take all he has to offer. What woman wouldnt want a man like this? One of my friends think Im crazy to potentially let a great man go because he has kids. My other BFF thinks there's nothing wrong with me. Yes, the dating pool is slim, but it's not like I was totally unhappy being single. I enjoyed being single and not having to answer to someone. Conversely, as a human, I crave a partnership. I dont want to continue jumping from relationship to relationship either. Ughhhh why does it sound as if I am trying to convince myself here.

TRUTH: I want James. I love James. I know I can trust James. We talk, we laugh and we love, HARD. The decision would be so easy if he didn't have kids, or maybe if he just have one child.

The only thing is, he does not come alone, or with one child. He has three.

I KNEW THIS GOING IN, however, his personality and the way he makes me feel outweighed the fear I had. Plus, I have a child and even though he is older, I figured I would eventually change my mind, because my son loves kids and always wanted siblings.

The thing is, Im not sure my mind is gonna change. I keep going back and forth. Like, one minute I want the FAMILY DREAM, and the next, I want to be alone. Maybe because I've been single since 2003? Am I simply a bachelorette who is now getting cold feet? Maybe it's because I haven't been around James' children often. We discussed this the other day and agreed that it's time I begin "dating" his children so that we can figure out whether or not we can truly move forward with our relationship.

Oh and then the other thing holding me back is that there is a "catch-22" here, because I need to be around his children in order to decide whether or not I want to marry James and even have a child with him.

(Yes, he actually mentioned having a baby just this past Monday.)

I told James that it is messed up that the children have to even be involved given the fact that I may decide that this lifestyle change isn't for me. But James said that it's unavoidable. "That's just life," he said. "You won't know until you've experienced."

At the end of the day, I don't want to hurt anyone. But I need to make a decision. At this point, we both are ready to take another step. I think we are moving slow because this could actually mark the demise of our time together.

This morning James and I had a serious talk. I was supposed to meet his parents this weekend, but given our conversation, that probably will not happen now. I will keep you posted.

James said he feels like he is on the hotseat, and I am going to break up with him, because that's how everything sounds to him.

I dont see it that way. I just need to start being around his kids. That's the bottom line. I think Im afraid that our intimacy will be interrupted. I don't mean sexual stuff either!

Is that a valid fear? Ughhhhh Im all over the place right now. I need to get it together.


Jewel Edwards-Ashman said...

As I'm sure you know, kids do change the dynamic of a relationship. But not always in a bad way! Right now, I think you're living in the "fantasy world" of being with James. You're only experiencing a glimpse of what it's like to be in his life and for him to be in yours. You're not getting the full picture. I don't know if this means you need to bring the kids in now or later, but i think James is right. If you want to grow the pretty flowers, you gotta be willing to get down in the dirt! :) On the bright side, meeting and getting to know his kids might bring out a desire for a family lifestyle.

Sha'ahn said...

I agree Jewel! Thx for commenting. I feel much better.