The end of a chapter is upon us

Dont be mad, but Im ending this blog.

I know, I didnt even write about the holidays, or the time we almost broke up in December when James refused to go on the vacation I had planned. Yes, he made us miss our cruise! He ended up taking me to a beautiful Bed and Breakfast in the mountains to make up for it, but still, it was very shaky for us in December. We almost didnt make it.

I didnt tell you guys about me going to a therapist, because I flipped out on James, AGAIN over something small. I should have responded differently, but I tripped way out like that time in April.

I didnt blog about this past Valentine's Day either, which was EPIC by the way.

I just got caught up living life and enjoying the journey of love.

To end this blog, I want to share what I've learned from nearly five years of dating and blogging about it: I was very insecure. Not about my looks or anything superficial. I was insecure about my worthiness to be loved. I dont want to go into it too deeply, but from childhood, Ive been severely betrayed when it comes to love and reciprocation. So I guess deep down, I didnt believe someone would truly love me and STAY with me if I was myself. So I was always trying to be what I thought others wanted. Thats never good. LOL Its too easy to lose yourself.

With James, I finally let go of the facade. I truly gave him me. It didnt happen until our last blowup in December. (the one I never blogged about)

James threatened to leave me. For real. He felt like I was not totally vested, and that I might walk away at any time. He didnt feel I was solidly committed. He was tired of the emotional roller coaster I had him on. I had me on it too! LOL Shoot! The reason I was always so up and down, was because I was constantly on guard and trying to hide my true feelings from him. So of course I was emotional, and had him riding all sorts of ways.

Somehow he managed to keep his seatbelt on and survived the ride. Somehow I managed not to drive him batshit crazy. He kept up with me, and stayed safe every crazy turn, dip and dive.

The truth was that I loved him and wanted to be with him, but I thought that in order to keep him, I had to make him feel off balanced and afraid to lose me. (That works in the beginning to catch a man's attention, but that doesnt work long term!) I gave up the game and just started keeping it real. I started showing him that I love him, and I would miss him if he left. I told him I needed him and I began to show it.

In December I made him a promise. I told him that I would stop hiding myself and give him what he asked for. He said, he couldnt be happier to hear my words. All he ever wanted was for me to be happy. All he ever wanted was to put a smile on my face.

With everything I have been through, it was hard to believe what he said. It really sounded so good, but my heart was like, "Man, you better not let me get hurt again. Are you sure James means what he says?"

I can say that since meeting James in august of 2014, that he meant every word. I have finally stopped testing him (as much). Yes, testing him. Thats what all the rollercoaster riding meant. I was pushing and pushing him. Testing my limits. Testing his words, and sentiment. I showed out! He is still here.

He's asked me to marry him. I accepted. Despite everything, he still saw me. He trusts me around his children, which mean more to him than anything else in the world. That's a big deal to me, and I work hard to show him that he made the right decision.

I still struggle with things, but we talk everything through. Sometimes we still fight, but we never try to hurt each other, and that's a blessing. We do keep it real with each other, and that can hurt. But we just keep getting better. Every trial we have makes us stronger and deepens our resolve to be successful.

I am learning so much about how to get along with others, just by working on myself to be a better partner to James. And eventually a stepmom to his children.

This relationship has allowed me to grow, and become a better person. A more mature woman.

I am ready to begin this new journey.

Thank you for being a part of it. The new Blog will be titled: "Shes Getting Married...Again"

Tune in!

How many ways can you love?

Hello to our readers and followers,

Just as I may miss a week… I may throw a post up unexpectedly, lol.

Physical, mental, spiritual…. Are these the only 3 ways to be in love with someone?   I guess, we all have to figure out if we have these 3 first….

For me, with Sha’ahn, physical attraction was strong out the gate!  I told her something the day we met.  It was simply me admiring her strong facial structure, and I told her, though (on the phone before we actually met) I have not seen her, I could probably close my eyes, and describe her to a sketch artist.  THAT is how much I was into her physical.  Which a lot of us are like that in the beginning, so turned on physically.  I still know Sha’ahn is the most beautiful woman in my eyes, but I even appreciate some things she probably doesn’t think I notice.  Things such as her ear lobes, her fingers, and the way her nose is at the end.  I love Sha’ahn to NO end physically.

When it comes to the mental, Sha’ahn under estimates her mind.  She is brilliant!!   She can get just as deep as you can get.  She is philosophical with her words.  She can write her ass off!! I think she could persuade anyone with her writing skills, hell she has a writing quill as a tattoo, LOL. This is why I do not like to have disagreements, or friendly debates with her through text or em. (Probably should not have said that, but OH well).   She can also speak very well and with a high level of intelligence.  Like out in public she will be so inviting and make a stranger so comfortable to talk and listen.  LOL, I even think at times guys actually think she may even possibly be interested in them, but that is just her personality.  AND NO you would not be able to take her away from me anyways:-).  She has that gift.  I think she could talk a group into following her, even if they did not know what they are following her for.  Like, “just come on guys, let’s jump, when we get to the bottom of the waterfall, I will explain more.”  I truly love her mentally.

Ok, I will let you guys in on something, Sha’ahn and I do not have the same exact beliefs spiritually.  She is someone who will ask you “what is your god’s name, since you talking about him so much” That is not to put you down or question your mind, but more to see how much faith you have and where you are truly at with your spirituality.  I am more of your basic Christian.  Sha’ahn and I love one another spiritually because we have an energy that we both feel, even when apart.  When I say love in a spiritual form, I am talking on the level of “soulmate”.  When you have that connection to be able to know what your partner is thinking before they speak it or even if they don’t.   When people are connected like this, regardless of religious differences, different upbringings, different cultures or ethnicities, they should go with it, have faith and if it was meant to be than it shall.   Do NOT allow society or family dictate your heart.

I think there is a 4^th way to be in love with someone.  I think with their heart/ humbleness… So we are going to make a new word,  heartleness  hart-ly-nes (forget spellcheck on this one, lol)  By this I mean, you love how kind hearted your partner is.  Not only with you, but to others as well.  It makes you proud or happy to see them be that way, and be true with it.  I think that can also be a turn on.  Sha’ahn is a very giving person, and she can stand down and humble herself when needed.  I think that is a rare trait to find consistently in a person.  I love Sha’ahn’s heartleness. 

Can anyone out there think of another way to love someone?  Get at me with any ideas or thoughts..

“But the heart’s not like a box that gets filled up. It expands in size the more you love.”- Her

Thanks for reading, check us out ANY & EVERYWHERE 

-JJJ

Lost periscope

I delete our periscopes because James is always getting fresh!! But here is one I saved. Since I haven't posted a blog entry in a month, I've decided to release this periscope. It will NOT be up long! So catch it now! 

http://youtu.be/RQVrKvDh5NE

Be careful what you ask for.....

Hello to our readers and followers,

Hope everyone is having a Super fantastic Wednesday so far! 

Did you know the days of the week were named after Norse Gods or giant objects in the sky?

Wednesday: Woden's Day. Woden, or Odin, was a Norse god who was one of the most powerful of them all.  

So hopefully everyone has a powerful and productive day!!

Wellllll… Remember in my last post, I mentioned, there “may be something you can do for someone that you may not do, unless asked”?  Well I was asked AND compared to past relationships/acquaintances, (which we ALL do in some way shape or form, even if it’s not out loud.)  Let me say, in my defense, I feel as though I am a pretty good gentleman.  Especially if you are deserving, and Sha’ahn is definitely deserving.  

Hell, you should have seen what she did Sunday morning before she left my apartment! But, I will save that for another post though ;-) 

Anyways, from time to time I would shoot Sha’ahn a text, asking if she made it (to her destination), or to text me when she gets in. Prior to starting the job I am at now, my mornings were fairly hectic, so I would not always do that.  She would tell me that certain people from her past would check on her all the time. And she expected me to do the same. 

 Let me back track by saying Sha’ahn is unique, in that she is the FULL spectrum, lol.  You know how some people are to one end of the spectrum or the other end?  Well she is the whole thing, when it comes to wanting to be independent and catered to.  I know everyone may be thinking there needs to be a balance, but with her, I think she wants and requires both.  I'm fine with that.
In fact, I have been doing better and better.  I also think that Sha’ahn would tell everyone that pretty much, whenever she had a complaint or issue with something, I usually make the proper adjustments.  So for the last few months, I have been checking on her more and more. Just as she asked! For instance I would be speaking with her before she leaves work or home and I will say,  "text me to let me know you made it ok." What did Shaahn do? Nothing! NO text until I reach out AGAIN.  

Now, mind you if I fall asleep or work at night and do not communicate with her, I go straight to the “doghouse”, lol. So I ask her, "why make a fuss?  Especially when I adjust to accommodate, you don’t even respond." 

 Don’t get me wrong, she may not say she has made it to her destination, but she will send me a message that says nothing about whether she made it or not.  So then I still have to ask, are you there?  Her response nearly daily is "OH, I forgot."  

So everyone be careful what you wish for, because if the person loves you, they may just do it.  

Also, to EVERYONE, do not start something you won’t do 5 or 10 years from now.     

"Hope. It is the only thing stronger than fear. A little hope is effective. A lot of hope is dangerous. A spark is fine, as long as it's contained."  The Hunger Games

Thanks for reading, check us out ANY & EVERYWHERE 

-JJJ