I'm gonna tell you right now. This weekend will forever be remembered.
WHY?
Well, Many milestones were achieved:
This weekend was our first road trip together.
This weekend James met my mom.
This weekend was my first time back in Albany, NY in at least a decade.
This weekend I had a mental break.
This weekend I learned that James is here to stay.
It was Easter.
I decided I wanted a baby.
I had planned to write this blog entry on Monday to publish Tuesday. I just couldn't find a place to begin. There was so much that happened, I felt like it would take FOREVER to recap.
So, I decided to simply start writing, and whatever comes out, gets published.
Ready? OKAY...
Back in January, I was invited to my uncle's wedding in upstate New York. I had planned to take my son, but he didn't want to go. So, naturally, I asked James to take me. He agreed to go, and we made plans for the trip. We decided initially to catch the train, since fares were reasonable. Later, we decided to drive my car. That way, we could get around easily once we reached Albany. It was also a great opportunity to talk. Our favorite past time is talking to each other. I was really looking forward to the trip.
Things started to unravel for me:
When the time of the wedding grew closer, I began to get excited and nervous because this event was huge for our relationship. James is going to meet my mom's side of the family, including cousins, uncles, aunts and siblings. (He had already met my father back in the Fall.)
A week and a half before the wedding, James and I noticed that I had a bit of an attitude. At the time, we both thought it was nothing serious. Bad moods come and go. It's just a part of life. Im usually real cool and easygoing about most things. But I was irritable, and I kept starting little fights with him.
I thought it was due to the chronic neck pain I have. Most times I can ignore it, but when I get stressed, it gets worse and of course contributes to my level of overall comfort/attitude.
Wedding week finally rolls around. James asked me what was going on, because I wasn't my usual bubbly self. I told him I didnt know. Maybe I just felt like stirring up trouble? We carried on the week as usual, and James sort of started walking on eggshells around me, but we were ok.
My previous weekend was super busy with work and a trip to NYC. I have just started a new business, in addition to my other two internet-based businesses. I also was recently approved to begin installing lash extensions. I still work part time at the spa and I'm in school full time. This is a transitional time in my life, deciding what direction in which to head with my career and stuff. There are also some financial issues I'm dealing with too being limited on time to work... Honestly, I think the weight of all that was catching up to me.
The Worst April Fool's Day Prank EVER
James decided to play a little prank on me. He told me two days before the wedding, that he was not able to accompany me. He sent a text message. It was late. I was about to go to bed. I saw the text, and I just deflated! I turned the phone off, without responding, and attempted to sleep.
My mind was racing! I told myself that he was definitely joking and I was sure to wake up to a "Gotcha!" text, or voicemail. After a very fitful night of what I will loosely call, "sleeping," I woke up around 0630, and guess what I found?
NOTHING. No Text. No voicemail. Not from James. I did, however, receive a text from my mom saying how excited she was to meet James. I replied with a screenshot of the text James sent me.
I was so angry. I was shaking mad. I texted him that I hope this is a joke, and if not, I pray that nobody is seriously injured. (In my mind, that would be the only reason he would cancel)
He called me. I answered. He told me he was joking and that he had sent a second text telling me as much. I never got that text. It never came through. So all night, I thought he may be serious.
I was just too through. I told him that was a horrible joke, and it was NOT the right time to play it. Besides, we are adults. Why play April Fool's on me? He apologized profusely. Things seemed ok still. I mean, I was testy, and it did take a couple days to get over it, but I did get over it.
(SO I THOUGHT)
The day of the trip comes. It's Good Friday.
James and I split the cost of the trip and we each had different duties to make the 6-hour trip as pleasant as possible. James came over, got my stuff, loaded the car up and waited on me. Once I was finished getting myself ready, I told him I was ready to leave. He was driving.
About five minutes into the trip, I began getting irritated at the music James chose to listen to. I just was not in the mood for rap music. I told him I didnt want to hear that trash. He told me that he couldnt listen to anything slow. I said I could listen to anything as long as I enjoyed the music. Didnt matter what it was.
I decided to drive. James didnt protest, although I know he wanted to. He used to drive a truck, and he's a logistics manager. I knew all these facts, but I just felt like I should drive and listen to music, in an effort to calm myself down from all this ridiculous irritability. James found a rest area on the highway, and we switched places. Funny thing is, I did not even want to drive.
I took the wheel. The whole time, Im going over everything James did wrong leading up to the trip. The way he was slow in giving me a response about escorting me all the way up to that dumb April Fool's prank. Anything he said in an attempt to make conversation with me was furiously shut down.
James had enough after a while. He told me that he didnt deserve to be talked to the way I was talking to him. He said that he would rather walk on the highway all the way to New York than continue the way we were.
I became livid! Mostly because I knew that I was acting out and totally agreed with him that I shouldnt speak to him the way I was. But I was so upset about everything else that had transpired, I just couldnt get a grip and separate all of that from what was actually happening in the moment.
I tightened my grip on the steering wheel and screeched across three lanes of traffic on the highway toward the first exit I saw. We were somewhere in Maryland. I was scared, but at this point pride set in, so I didnt show my fear.
I roughly pulled into a Wendy's parking lot somewhere in Oxen Hill, Md. James was silent. I turned to look at him. I wanted to apologize and hug him. I didnt do that though. I just stared at him with daggers in my eyes. He calmly told me that he just needed to make a phone call, and he would be out of the car soon. He said if that was too much, then he would go inside the restaurant.
Im telling you guys, I truly did NOT want James to leave. I didnt want him to feel upset, or hurt and angry. I just wanted everyting to be okay. But things just were not ok. I did not know how to simply "get on and over it."
I just continued to stare at James. Finally after a few tense moments that seemed to go on forever, I told James that I thought I was having a nervous breakdown. He was silent. I got upset again. I asked him whether or not he heard me. He said he had, but he didnt know what to say. He said he never experienced this, and maybe I needed to go to the hospital.
I said, I didnt know what to do, but I knew that I was not feeling like myself. I'm usually in control of my emotions. I rarely cry or lose control of myself in any given situation. I pride myself on being able to objectively assess situations and act accordingly.
NOT THIS PARTICULAR EVENING
I just could not see the bright side to anything in those moments. I was yelling at James. I told him that since we weren't married, that he wasn't obligated to stick with me during this rough time. (subliminal message: If you leave, don't think we are fixing this.)
I almost cried like five times during this exchange. I NEVER cry.
James was sitting there with his mouth hanging open. He could not believe what was happening. Neither could I. Worst part was that I didnt know what to do to fix things.
James knew what to do. He took my hand and asked me what I wanted to do. I told him that I didnt know. I said that maybe it would be best to just turn around and head home. He said that he would drive. I should relax. We could listen to whatever I wanted to listen to. He told me that we should go to the wedding.
I said, "Ok." We switched places again.
It was silent. I began to cry. James did not know. I told him I was afraid he would leave me because apparently Im crazy. He said, he wasnt going anywhere.
"Married, or not. I'm still your man. And I am here now."
I said, "But, what if I truly have a disorder?"
"Well, let's take it one day at a time. After you see a therapist or something, then let's talk. But I doubt that is the case, and as I said, Im here."
I told him that he is too good to me. I love him.
The events of the weekend confirmed the way I feel about James, and I know he loves me. He is definitely here for me and has my back!
Connect with me: Facebook Twitter iReview Stuff ...OrHardlyWorking Work With Me
I had planned to write this blog entry on Monday to publish Tuesday. I just couldn't find a place to begin. There was so much that happened, I felt like it would take FOREVER to recap.
So, I decided to simply start writing, and whatever comes out, gets published.
Ready? OKAY...
Back in January, I was invited to my uncle's wedding in upstate New York. I had planned to take my son, but he didn't want to go. So, naturally, I asked James to take me. He agreed to go, and we made plans for the trip. We decided initially to catch the train, since fares were reasonable. Later, we decided to drive my car. That way, we could get around easily once we reached Albany. It was also a great opportunity to talk. Our favorite past time is talking to each other. I was really looking forward to the trip.
Things started to unravel for me:
When the time of the wedding grew closer, I began to get excited and nervous because this event was huge for our relationship. James is going to meet my mom's side of the family, including cousins, uncles, aunts and siblings. (He had already met my father back in the Fall.)
A week and a half before the wedding, James and I noticed that I had a bit of an attitude. At the time, we both thought it was nothing serious. Bad moods come and go. It's just a part of life. Im usually real cool and easygoing about most things. But I was irritable, and I kept starting little fights with him.
I thought it was due to the chronic neck pain I have. Most times I can ignore it, but when I get stressed, it gets worse and of course contributes to my level of overall comfort/attitude.
Wedding week finally rolls around. James asked me what was going on, because I wasn't my usual bubbly self. I told him I didnt know. Maybe I just felt like stirring up trouble? We carried on the week as usual, and James sort of started walking on eggshells around me, but we were ok.
My previous weekend was super busy with work and a trip to NYC. I have just started a new business, in addition to my other two internet-based businesses. I also was recently approved to begin installing lash extensions. I still work part time at the spa and I'm in school full time. This is a transitional time in my life, deciding what direction in which to head with my career and stuff. There are also some financial issues I'm dealing with too being limited on time to work... Honestly, I think the weight of all that was catching up to me.
The Worst April Fool's Day Prank EVER
James decided to play a little prank on me. He told me two days before the wedding, that he was not able to accompany me. He sent a text message. It was late. I was about to go to bed. I saw the text, and I just deflated! I turned the phone off, without responding, and attempted to sleep.
My mind was racing! I told myself that he was definitely joking and I was sure to wake up to a "Gotcha!" text, or voicemail. After a very fitful night of what I will loosely call, "sleeping," I woke up around 0630, and guess what I found?
NOTHING. No Text. No voicemail. Not from James. I did, however, receive a text from my mom saying how excited she was to meet James. I replied with a screenshot of the text James sent me.
I was so angry. I was shaking mad. I texted him that I hope this is a joke, and if not, I pray that nobody is seriously injured. (In my mind, that would be the only reason he would cancel)
He called me. I answered. He told me he was joking and that he had sent a second text telling me as much. I never got that text. It never came through. So all night, I thought he may be serious.
I was just too through. I told him that was a horrible joke, and it was NOT the right time to play it. Besides, we are adults. Why play April Fool's on me? He apologized profusely. Things seemed ok still. I mean, I was testy, and it did take a couple days to get over it, but I did get over it.
(SO I THOUGHT)
The day of the trip comes. It's Good Friday.
James and I split the cost of the trip and we each had different duties to make the 6-hour trip as pleasant as possible. James came over, got my stuff, loaded the car up and waited on me. Once I was finished getting myself ready, I told him I was ready to leave. He was driving.
About five minutes into the trip, I began getting irritated at the music James chose to listen to. I just was not in the mood for rap music. I told him I didnt want to hear that trash. He told me that he couldnt listen to anything slow. I said I could listen to anything as long as I enjoyed the music. Didnt matter what it was.
I decided to drive. James didnt protest, although I know he wanted to. He used to drive a truck, and he's a logistics manager. I knew all these facts, but I just felt like I should drive and listen to music, in an effort to calm myself down from all this ridiculous irritability. James found a rest area on the highway, and we switched places. Funny thing is, I did not even want to drive.
I took the wheel. The whole time, Im going over everything James did wrong leading up to the trip. The way he was slow in giving me a response about escorting me all the way up to that dumb April Fool's prank. Anything he said in an attempt to make conversation with me was furiously shut down.
James had enough after a while. He told me that he didnt deserve to be talked to the way I was talking to him. He said that he would rather walk on the highway all the way to New York than continue the way we were.
I became livid! Mostly because I knew that I was acting out and totally agreed with him that I shouldnt speak to him the way I was. But I was so upset about everything else that had transpired, I just couldnt get a grip and separate all of that from what was actually happening in the moment.
I tightened my grip on the steering wheel and screeched across three lanes of traffic on the highway toward the first exit I saw. We were somewhere in Maryland. I was scared, but at this point pride set in, so I didnt show my fear.
I roughly pulled into a Wendy's parking lot somewhere in Oxen Hill, Md. James was silent. I turned to look at him. I wanted to apologize and hug him. I didnt do that though. I just stared at him with daggers in my eyes. He calmly told me that he just needed to make a phone call, and he would be out of the car soon. He said if that was too much, then he would go inside the restaurant.
Im telling you guys, I truly did NOT want James to leave. I didnt want him to feel upset, or hurt and angry. I just wanted everyting to be okay. But things just were not ok. I did not know how to simply "get on and over it."
I just continued to stare at James. Finally after a few tense moments that seemed to go on forever, I told James that I thought I was having a nervous breakdown. He was silent. I got upset again. I asked him whether or not he heard me. He said he had, but he didnt know what to say. He said he never experienced this, and maybe I needed to go to the hospital.
I said, I didnt know what to do, but I knew that I was not feeling like myself. I'm usually in control of my emotions. I rarely cry or lose control of myself in any given situation. I pride myself on being able to objectively assess situations and act accordingly.
NOT THIS PARTICULAR EVENING
I just could not see the bright side to anything in those moments. I was yelling at James. I told him that since we weren't married, that he wasn't obligated to stick with me during this rough time. (subliminal message: If you leave, don't think we are fixing this.)
I almost cried like five times during this exchange. I NEVER cry.
James was sitting there with his mouth hanging open. He could not believe what was happening. Neither could I. Worst part was that I didnt know what to do to fix things.
James knew what to do. He took my hand and asked me what I wanted to do. I told him that I didnt know. I said that maybe it would be best to just turn around and head home. He said that he would drive. I should relax. We could listen to whatever I wanted to listen to. He told me that we should go to the wedding.
I said, "Ok." We switched places again.
It was silent. I began to cry. James did not know. I told him I was afraid he would leave me because apparently Im crazy. He said, he wasnt going anywhere.
"Married, or not. I'm still your man. And I am here now."
I said, "But, what if I truly have a disorder?"
"Well, let's take it one day at a time. After you see a therapist or something, then let's talk. But I doubt that is the case, and as I said, Im here."
I told him that he is too good to me. I love him.
The events of the weekend confirmed the way I feel about James, and I know he loves me. He is definitely here for me and has my back!
Connect with me: Facebook Twitter iReview Stuff ...OrHardlyWorking Work With Me
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