Wednesday, February 17, 2016
The end of a chapter is upon us
Dont be mad, but Im ending this blog.
I know, I didnt even write about the holidays, or the time we almost broke up in December when James refused to go on the vacation I had planned. Yes, he made us miss our cruise! He ended up taking me to a beautiful Bed and Breakfast in the mountains to make up for it, but still, it was very shaky for us in December. We almost didnt make it.
I didnt tell you guys about me going to a therapist, because I flipped out on James, AGAIN over something small. I should have responded differently, but I tripped way out like that time in April.
I didnt blog about this past Valentine's Day either, which was EPIC by the way.
I just got caught up living life and enjoying the journey of love.
To end this blog, I want to share what I've learned from nearly five years of dating and blogging about it: I was very insecure. Not about my looks or anything superficial. I was insecure about my worthiness to be loved. I dont want to go into it too deeply, but from childhood, Ive been severely betrayed when it comes to love and reciprocation. So I guess deep down, I didnt believe someone would truly love me and STAY with me if I was myself. So I was always trying to be what I thought others wanted. Thats never good. LOL Its too easy to lose yourself.
With James, I finally let go of the facade. I truly gave him me. It didnt happen until our last blowup in December. (the one I never blogged about)
James threatened to leave me. For real. He felt like I was not totally vested, and that I might walk away at any time. He didnt feel I was solidly committed. He was tired of the emotional roller coaster I had him on. I had me on it too! LOL Shoot! The reason I was always so up and down, was because I was constantly on guard and trying to hide my true feelings from him. So of course I was emotional, and had him riding all sorts of ways.
Somehow he managed to keep his seatbelt on and survived the ride. Somehow I managed not to drive him batshit crazy. He kept up with me, and stayed safe every crazy turn, dip and dive.
The truth was that I loved him and wanted to be with him, but I thought that in order to keep him, I had to make him feel off balanced and afraid to lose me. (That works in the beginning to catch a man's attention, but that doesnt work long term!) I gave up the game and just started keeping it real. I started showing him that I love him, and I would miss him if he left. I told him I needed him and I began to show it.
In December I made him a promise. I told him that I would stop hiding myself and give him what he asked for. He said, he couldnt be happier to hear my words. All he ever wanted was for me to be happy. All he ever wanted was to put a smile on my face.
With everything I have been through, it was hard to believe what he said. It really sounded so good, but my heart was like, "Man, you better not let me get hurt again. Are you sure James means what he says?"
I can say that since meeting James in august of 2014, that he meant every word. I have finally stopped testing him (as much). Yes, testing him. Thats what all the rollercoaster riding meant. I was pushing and pushing him. Testing my limits. Testing his words, and sentiment. I showed out! He is still here.
He's asked me to marry him. I accepted. Despite everything, he still saw me. He trusts me around his children, which mean more to him than anything else in the world. That's a big deal to me, and I work hard to show him that he made the right decision.
I still struggle with things, but we talk everything through. Sometimes we still fight, but we never try to hurt each other, and that's a blessing. We do keep it real with each other, and that can hurt. But we just keep getting better. Every trial we have makes us stronger and deepens our resolve to be successful.
I am learning so much about how to get along with others, just by working on myself to be a better partner to James. And eventually a stepmom to his children.
This relationship has allowed me to grow, and become a better person. A more mature woman.
I am ready to begin this new journey.
Thank you for being a part of it. The new Blog will be titled: "Shes Getting Married...Again"