Friday, March 27, 2015

New Territory: in my feelings

I can't say I've been a good partner in romantic relationships. Honestly, I chalk it up to maturity. (Or lack thereof if I'm being honest here)

I've been extremely selfish due to the normal woes of life... You know what they are, right? 


I was still carrying a ton of pain that stemmed from childhood. Then I experienced more pain as a young adult. 

That pain caused me to create a fortress around my heart. I guarded it with so much care, it was sickening. 

Didn't matter what man was hurt in the process either. I just was so guarded that I wouldn't allow myself to share. I did not open up about my fears, or true desires.

I began Reflecting on my past because I am so happy these days. I'm in a stable, loving, partnership. It feels so good. 

I'm in the relationship that I've always dreamed about. Complete with its ups and downs. I'd like to believe that 10 years ago I would have loved a man such as James, and in turn, allowed him to Iove me; but I can't say that I would have. Notwith any certainty anyway! 

I was too immature to be patient and allow us to grow. I was too immature to communicate clearly. I was too immature to give him space. I was too immature to date other men simultaneously, instead of trying to make each prospect the "one". I was too immature to not nag. I was too immature to let him win an argument. I was way too immature to let him lead... The list could go on. 

Thinking about it, I believe that I wasn't even ready for someone such as James (at least the James I know today), nor did I deserve him. 

We all go through seasons in life. I am growing wiser every day. It's my season to wake up! To live and love freely without fear. It's time to be VULNERABLE.

I recognize that James and I met at just the right time. (He was with his ex-wife back then anyway, but it's good to ponder the ifs.) What if we actually had met when we were ten years younger? Who knows? Could have worked, but James may not have cared to guard my heart or treat me well. 

What inspired this post was how close James and I are. He truly has my best interest at heart. He accepts me just the way I am. I feel as though we are soulmates. I know it's been seven months, but we both feel very solid about building a future together. 

I love James because he and I can talk out any issue. If I have a problem with him, we talk it out, come to a compromise, and move on. He works hard at showing me he cares. 

Yes, he makes mistakes, but so far, none have been unforgivable. We are taking our time getting to know each other. 

One of my favorite pastimes is cooking together. We make a good food prep team! He usually does the chopping. I do the seasoning. We switch up on who actually executes the cooking. But every single time, we come up with really tasty meals! 

We've made our own buffalo wing sauce and everything. Maybe we will patent it. 

He's interested in building a business together as well. And he's open to new ways of thinking and stuff that I've introduced to him. It's amazing. 

I think I've gushed enough. But I just had to put my thoughts out there. He supports me in everything! I'm in heaven! All we do is laugh! We lift each other up too. 

James said he feels closer to me than ever. I have a feeling I'll be meeting his children soon. We agreed to wait a year. 

August will be here in a flash. 

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