Tuesday, August 25, 2015

I Said the Wrong Thing, Disappointed Him

One of the reasons we took so long to order
You all know James and I celebrated the first anniversary of when we met and had our first date (which happened to occur on the same day), last Thursday, right? Ok, well the day was a long one for us both. James had football practice until 8, and I had a business meeting after school, until around the same time. BTW, one of the girls gave me a crown braid to wear for my special night. It turned out really pretty!

Crowned by my friend Darima Eshi
We both still had to go home, get showered and come out. When James got to my house, he picked me up with one arm and gave me the tightest hug. He said he was so happy to see me. He was soaked from being caught in the rain, but I didnt care. I just clung to him, wet clothes and all. After greeting, we talked to my dad a bit. Then we got dressed. We had originally planned to have dinner and a movie, but we ended up getting to the restaurant around 10, so a movie wasnt gonna happen.

Anyway, the day itself was rainy, just like the year before. Funny, how we experienced the exact same weather a year ago on the exact same date. We decided to have a bite and sip at the place we met, Mick's. This year though, we sat at the bar. The place was pretty empty, which was good, but the music was super loud for some reason, which was bad, because I had planned to broadcast a Periscope video. I also wanted to make some type of video, but that didnt happen either. It was just not in the cards I guess.

Dinner is going well, and James orders our drinks. I had forgotten my license in the car, but of course, I get carded by the bartender, so my babe goes to the car to get my ID. When he comes back, we are served and have a chance to talk. It took us forever to order our food because number one, we were indecisive and number two, we were just into each other so we werent even looking at the menu at first. The bartender literally had to come over 5 or 6 times, before we were ready. I know he was frustrated with us! hahahahhaa
just funnin'
After dinner, James asks me a question, which ended up changing the mood of the evening from fun and jovial to something else. Let me explain:

In his previous blog post, James broke the progress of our relationship down into four quarters. So, when we were having our anniversary dinner, he asked me what did I envision for the next 12 months. I hesitated to answer, so he suggested that I break it down into quarters to make things easier. I still kind of hesitated, because I really didnt know what to say. I knew that I wanted us to move in together and stuff, but hadnt thought too much beyond that as far as the first year was concerned. Not because I didnt want more, but I just thought that maybe HE would think it was too much too soon.
(Im really cautious with expressing my desires because Im unsure how he will feel about things, so I like to let him lead. Then I give my opinion.)

I never answered his question. Instead I asked him to tell me what his vision was for the next year. He had the nerve to say he hadnt thought much about it, and the question was spur of the moment! I said, "Then why do you expect me to know the answer to that?" Anyway, James told me that in the next twelve months, he would like to be married and have a baby.

I was quiet.

James' expression changed.

He said, "Wait. I thought you WANTED to get married and have a baby with ME."

I said, "ummmm, well..."

He said, "Really, Sha'ahn? You said you wanted to get married and get pregnant in the Spring."

I said, "I talk shit sometimes."


He said, "Sha'ahn, are you telling me I cant believe a word you say?
"Man, I guess we are not on the same page then, huh?"
James was not feeling my lack of vision for our relationship
I got nervous. I do want to marry James and I do want to have a child with him. It's just that Im nearly 40 years old and I dont want to be all old raising a child. So, yes, I told James the truth about my desires, I just wasnt clear on the fact that having a child is more like a "wish under the right circumstances" type deal. I actually havent fully committed to the thought yet.

I told James that we are on the same page, but I wasnt sure about the baby part because of my age. I also told him that I want to marry him.

"In my defense, the times I brought up having a baby, your answer was always short. You would say that it was cool, and you're okay with that, but we never DISCUSSED it."

He said, "But that was my answer. I said, 'Okay, cool!' That means, Im okay and cool with it.

I laughed. "James, that isnt enough confirmation to me though. I thought you were just pacifying me."

He was not impressed. He just shook his head. He said, "Sha'ahn I love you, and I told you that I love kids and have no problem raising them."

I said, "James, I don't even have a ring! How was I to know you were genuinely ready to do this? Plus, the last time I mentioned marriage a few months back, you told me that I wasnt ready for marriage. Remember that!"

He said, "That was like in February or March or something and you werent ready, but a lot has changed since then. I mean, okay, maybe we couldnt realistically expect to be married and have a baby in twelve months, but I believed you when you said you wanted that."

I said, "I have always flip-flopped about the baby thing, but never about being married. I would love to wake up to you every day."

He smiled, but Im telling you guys, the mood had officially changed. I kept trying to fix it, by telling him I want to marry him. Finally I said, "My ring size is 4."

James said, "Good to know!"

I said, "So what should we do now?"

He said, "I think for the next six months, we should stack our money."

I said, "You know Im in school and don't have much extra money to put away."

He put his hand on my shoulder and said, "We will stack money for the next six months."

I repeated myself, "But James, I really cant contribute that much over these next six months!"

He bent down to look me in the eyes and kept his hand on my shoulder. He repeated himself as well.

"Sha'ahn. WE will stack money."

I just melted inside, because I know that the 'we' meant 'he'.

I smiled. "Okay."

We finished dinner and our drinks. James told the bartender that we met at Mick's. I told the bartender that we had online profiles, and the bartender asked us about that process. It was good to talk about how we met with a complete stranger. I told him James and I connected on Plenty of Fish and that we met up at that very bar one year ago and ended up committing to each other, now talking marriage.

He said, "Wow, you guys met online?" We both nodded, and he said, "Hmmm maybe the online thing really does work. But most people I know just use it to play around."
James mentioned how it was raining and stuff just like last year. The bartender said, "Maybe that is a good sign." We agreed that it was.

After that, we left and went back to my place. My dad was still up and we chatted with him for a while.

When we went to bed, I brought up us not being on the same page again. James said, "That really bothered you, huh?"

I said, "Of course it did! I cant stand the thought of us not being in sync."

He said, "It's fine, we are okay. It's really not a big deal."

I said, "But your whole face changed up and you told me you were disappointed. I hate disappointing you. and I dont want you to think I dont love you or want to be with you."

He said, "It's okay. I mean, maybe we are meant to be life partners." I was like, "Oh hell no! You are gonna make an honest woman out of me."

He laughed and said, "Ok."

We both were so exhausted that we fell asleep with the lights on and me fully clothed! LOL I woke up around 2:30 and turned the light out. I shook my head thinking that I didnt even get any nookie on my anniversary! (Where they do that at!?)

The next day, we had a text conversation, and he had the nerve to write this:
He later texted that he was kidding, but I didnt buy it
After that WHOLE long discussion the night before. See? I knew it bothered him. He just played it down. My response to his text put the ball into James' court. I told him that indeed, I do want him to make an honest woman out of me, and that I will start sending him pics of rings I like, so he will take me seriously. And I also want to sit down and plan the process of getting engaged, moving in and getting married with a realistic timeline. He said he was down with that. I told him to let me know when he wanted to talk, but it should happen within the near future. I texted that now I felt redeemed for causing that stir the previous evening. James jokingly texted me back, "Redemption Song."

I told him the ball was back in his court. He agreed that it was.

(Phew! Emergency averted. Back on track.)

We are going to my hometown this weekend for a BBQ. James is so excited about that. I am too. Cant wait to take him around. I'll blog about that you guys. And you know what? We will have a few hours both ways to hash out some planning for our future together. YAY

Don't forget to follow us on Twitter and Periscope @J_Shaahn. 

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