WARNING!! THIS IS A LOOOOOONNNGGG POST
consider yourself warned. You may proceed.
So, in the beginning of Fall, I joined two online dating sites just to get myself a look at who's out there and meet people. I don't think that online dating is much different than the traditional way of meeting people. If anything, it takes the awkwardness out of having to turn someone down that you aren't attracted to. I thought that it would be cool to set up filters pinpointing all the qualities I was looking for in a guy, without having to actually ELIMINATE someones ego by rejecting them in person. I was under the impression that online dating or, date selection, which is a more appropriate term in my opinion, would be easy. I assumed (erroneously) that people would be more honest and open about what they were looking for both mentally and physically. I guess you can say I was thinking it would be super easy a la cart dating complete with a menu of men that I simply had to choose from based on the criteria I entered into the initial registration forms and questionnaire. The sites I signed up for were Match.com and eHarmony. By default, I was also registered for Chemistry.com too through Match, as it was a new sister site they had set up. I was skeptical about the whole process, so I only paid for a 30-day subscription on both sites. I used Match/Chemistry in early September, and once that ran out, I signed up with eHarmony.
Right off the bat, I can tell you the difference between the two sites was instantly apparent, But this post isn't about the two sites. I can blog about that another time. If you want me to talk about the sites, leave me a comment saying so and I will do a post on that sometime soon.
Anyway, I met this guy within the first two weeks after I subscribed on Match. He sent me a note saying he liked my profile and was I willing to give him a call, or text. I opened his profile page all the way up because the thumbnail that accompanied his note showed he was attractive, so I was curious to see what he had to say on his profile.
He didn't have a whole lot of details (which is a red flag to me) except the age range he was looking for and race. He had one sentence that stated he was a family-oriented guy with a big heart. The income level he listed was a plus, so I decided to look at the rest of his pictures. Yeah, uuummmm he was a big guy. I sighed. I don't mind big guys. I actually feel more comfortable around a guy carrying a little extra weight, but I don't do big bellies. No, sir. I wrote the guy back that I was flattered he took the time to reach out, but I was simply not attracted to him. He was too big. (I was thinking that in the future if we hit if off and things got physical, that I wouldn't be able to hang, so I would pass on even meeting him.)
He responded with something about him planning on losing weight and that I should go ahead and meet him in person, because i wouldn't be disappointed. I was like, you know what? He is cute and I guess meeting wouldn't kill me. He may be smaller in person. I called him at the number he left in the email message and we chatted for about 30 minutes. We instantly hit it off over the phone. I was impressed by his candor and the fact that he seemed to really know what he wanted, which was a friendship that had potential to grow into more. (That's what I'm looking for too!!)
We decided to meet that night after work. I'm not the type who likes to have a long drawn out IM/email/text/phone relationship before finally meeting in person like some people do. I find that we should meet ASAP to see each other in person before we start getting to know each other because what if the picture they posted is a fake?! Right, so I insist on meeting within the first week of online contact because I am NOT the one for games. If a guy tugboats, then I block contact.
But, I digress. Fast forward to our initial date-- I meet him at his house, which is located in a posh DC neighborhood. House had to be worth at least half a mil. He said he owned it. I later did my research and found out that he did, so he had brownie points right there. I ring the bell, and he comes out. (I wasn't going in) My first impression was that he was adorable. Like the chubby Asian kid that has a ton of white friends on TV. Even though he is older than me (still in his 30s though) he looked super young. He looked fresh out the shower and complimented me immediately on my outfit. (More brownie points) He said, "So, do I look alright? Or am I too fat?"
What can I say to that? I decided to go with the truth since I already told him he was too big over email. I said, "Well, you are smaller than I thought, but you're a little heavy for me still. But you're really cute." He said, "Okay, well do you still want to do dinner?" I said, "Sure." So we walked from his house to a Thai restaurant. We opted to sit outside even though rain threatened to kick us inside. Conversation was great. He was super smart, played football for Virginia Tech, was a broker, and worked mostly from home. He was part Asian and Eastern European, with a face so round, he reminded me of the WalMart Rollback smiley face. It didnt help that he smiled. A lot. He told me about his career path which began in health and fitness, but evolved into the brokering stuff and real estate.
I was impressed. I thought I could get past the physical thing, because if he was sincere about slimming down, I could hang. Plus he had a fitness background, so I trusted he knew what to do to make it happen. Add to that the fact that he was financially secure, and seemed to be sweet! What would a little baby fat mean in the long run? So, I decided to get to know him better.
At the end of the night, he walked me to my car and we said our goodbyes. Overall, it was a nice evening, and I promised I would be seeing him again.
Over the course of nearly three weeks we saw each other here and there and talked a lot over the phone. (BTW, eight days of said three weeks I was vacationing outside the country and we didnt talk) But sadly, when I came back from traveling, things took a dramatic turn for the worse. At first, things were cool. We went out to a few hip restaurants on U Street, and conversation was decent. Only complaints I had was that I noticed he was very inattentive over the phone due to him working, but he would insist that he could multi-task and talk to me at the same time. FAIL
By the the fourth date, I was feeling comfortable enough to visit him in his space. I went to his house and we had dinner. Unfortunately, the whole time, he was at the computer until it was time to eat, at which point, he was checking his cell phone incessantly. I was getting angry at his rudeness and lack of attention. I thought to myself, "If this is what he's doing already and we've only just met, then it cant do anything but go downhill from here."
I was right. I asked him about the work-a-holic bullcrap, and he replied that he wanted to retire while he was still in his thirties, and that if I was patient that he would have time for me soon. He told me that he had to close these deals. I didnt like the fact that he made himself available to his clients so late in the day, and I said, "But, at dinner you were checking your email! How can things get better? Like, these are supposed to be the good days. Is this your best foot being put forward? I dont like to be ignored, which is the way I feel." He dismissed my feelings and returned to his work. He said that I needed to relax. I told him I was leaving. He asked me to spend the night.
"Really," I asked. "That's how you do it? Just ask me when am I spending the night?" He said, "Yeah. I mean, I cant fall in love unless I have sex." I said, "This is only date number four and I dont expect you to be in love, but you don't have any stronger game than that?" He said, "I dont need game." I said, "Well you need something. You cant just try to pressure sell me into sleeping with you. This isn't high school." He replied, "So what do you want to do, just continue on like sixth graders, holding hands and hugging?" I said, "Yup. Because if I wanted to spend the night you would know and you wouldnt even have had to ask. Why dont we let things happen naturally?" He huffed and said, "Fine! Lets go get yogurt then." And we went out to get yogurt.
But after that initial request to spend the night, he wouldnt let up. I felt peer pressure. I decided to fall back a little and didnt text as much. I noticed that he didnt text me either. So one fateful Friday, I didnt hear from him all day. In the evening, after work, I texted him saying that I felt like we had different communications styles and that I dont think things would work out between us. He responded with the usual, "Relax," I was fed up with that response. I mean, he was cold, worked all the time, and hardly paid me any attention when we were together. Then on top of that, when he was paying me attention, he was begging me to sleep with him, or trying to feel me up! I was done.
I texted him back, "I will relax. Im gonna fall back so far that I wont care whether or not I speak to you for days at a time. In fact, Imma start right now. Hit me when you can." He went ballistic at that point. He started texting me:
"What? you dont know whats going on over here. Im talking with my parents and they are really upset."
To which I responded, "I would never want to come between you and your family. Talk to you later."
He ignored that and continued to text me:
"Why are you still texting me, when I told you I was with my family. They are arguing and Im trying to settle some dispute. My mom is really upset and I have to deal with you questioning me." (Ummm Sir, I did not ask you a DAYUM thing!! But I didnt say that.)
I replied, "I would never want to come between you and your family. Talk to you later."
Again, he ignored that and continued:
"What does it look like to my parents that my girl (GIRL??? WHAT?? WHEN??) is being so rude. You have no class."
I was irate at this point, but I kept it cool.
I didnt respond at all. He texted me two more texts, and a third one that said, "Stop texting me."
I was baffled. "Stop texting him?" He was the one texting me. He texted me three times and I didnt even respond.
So that was the end of that. Or, so I thought. About a week ago, WalMart Rollback Face guy called me. I had deleted his number so I didnt know who he was. He said he wanted to call me that next day but couldnt because his cell phone had crashed and he lost all the contacts. He said he had found my business card that morning and was wondering if I was upset. I told him I was not upset, but I did think he was out of line for the way he was texting me. He apologized, saying that it was a crazy night with his family and that he overreacted, but I was wrong for questioning him. I said, "I did not ask you a single question." He said, "So, you dont think you were wrong?" I said, "NO! I don't. First of all, I didnt meant to interrupt you, and as soon as you said you were dealing with family, I said I would talk to you later." He said, "I guess we can agree to disagree." Then he asked if I had been on any other dates. I didnt answer. Instead I asked him the same thing. He proceeded to tell me about a horrible date he had with a girl, and finished up with, "But, so look, Im still interested. Are you?"
Before I could answer, his line beeped (Thank GOD) and he told me to hang on. I hung up as soon as he clicked over to answer his call waiting. He called back, but I sent it to voicemail.
Lesson learned: I am not to be brokered like a commodity. And Im not a deal to be renegotiated!!