I desperately tried to find familiarity in this place I used to call home away from home. I'd spent so many summers here. I think I even lived with my aunt at one point. I stayed with my grandmom a lot too. But the only place that was remotely familiar to me was downtown. I was sad about that because I do have fond memories about Albany.
Anyway, James drove us home. We had a very pleasant drive home too. Chatting about the wedding and how much fun it was. I was feeling almost like myself. Only difference were the unexpected teary eyes I got from time to time when I thought about the way I'd treated James the day before. I kept apologizing. James told me to stop. He said he thinks I just snapped, and that it's understandable because I'm human. "Everyone has their limits," he said. James thinks I just need to stop holding things in. I told him I just never trusted anyone enough to tell things that were deep/troubling/dear to me.
In my past, someone very close to me betrayed me by throwing dirt on me because of my past. Even about things I couldn't control were fodder for this person to cast me down. I looked at that person as a friend. When that loyalty and trust was betrayed, I guess I never fully recovered. I was so hurt that I decided to never give anyone that ability again. I'd always be strong on my own. I made myself believe that sharing your deepest truest self was dangerous. I'd never do it again.
WELL, that plan FAILED
I couldn't help snapping out on James. But I'm glad it happened. Here's the "aftermath" to my "big snap":
We are super duper tight now. He knows my problems and challenges and is actively helping me find solutions.
Monday, James brings me a dozen white roses.
Tuesday James treats me to dinner.
Wednesday, James brings his children over to meet me. (I wasn't home though). But that evening he sent me a beautifully corny poem declaring his love! (Excerpt below)
Thursday I tell James I am serious about having a baby. He said he's fine with that.
Friday, James invites me to meet his parents in May....
Saturday, he brought his children over and I MET THEM.
Oh let me back up. I know you saw that line about having a baby!
Okay, so after all the craziness, I realized that James would be a wonderful partner and father to a baby. I told him I want another baby. He said he would love another one or two. I said I wanted to be pregnant next April. He said he was fine with that. I told him I wanted to be married before the baby came, so we had to be hitched by June before I got big. He said that we should simply be married BEFORE getting pregnant....
I was over in the passenger seat looking at him like:
You know sometimes we say things just to get a feel for where the other person is. I was serious but part of me was fishing. Well I got my answer. There you have it folks. Look, I'm not sure I truly want another child. But I'm very sure about James. And I'd marry him in a heartbeat. I told him that if I am serious about a baby, I'll know in October, because that's when I plan to start getting in shape and eating better to prep for baby making. He said he was fine with my timeline as long as it was before he turns 45.
I love this man. What he offers and brings to the table I think any child would be lucky to have.
The poem piece:
This man has a genuine heart. He is kind and loving. He told me in his poem that he wonders why I chose him. I asked him whether he meant that, and he said he did! I couldn't believe it. I said, "as handsome, fun and smart as you are?! You wondered why I wanted you? I was wondering the same like why did you love me?"
He said, "Well, I have three kids, my schedule..." I just stared. I told him I know I was so flaky in the beginning, especially concerning the kids. I was always disappearing for weekends at a time. But I have grown to love him, and the thought of his children being around isn't so scary anymore.
Remember back in December I told James I was ready to meet his children? Ok, well I wasn't. I mean, not totally. I confessed that to James.
Somehow he already knew. He told me that he sensed it. That's why he never brought them by. He doesn't introduce women to his children. Not unless it's serious, so I figured HE wasn't ready. But he was waiting on ME to show signs of truly wanting to meet them.
I'll post another entry to tell you about that!
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