Update about our First Fight

I know I need to finish telling you guys about the Flirtatious Conversations and what happened there, but I've also got to update you on the First Fight.

Since it just happened, AND we almost broke up, I'll update you on that first. I will do Part 2 to flirtation convos next week. 

About this past weekend:

Ok, so as I posted before, I guess the Cancer moon for last weekend had me all emo. Because I was just beginning to feel nitpicky and sensitive about what James said or did/didn't say or didn't do! 

I'm already very analytical, but my brain was working overtime last weekend. 

What sparked everything was him forgetting our date night. (Remember he agreed to a monthly date night with me back in nov?) What made it worse was that he called me and said he was gonna hang out with his cousin instead! I was so disappointed because I didn't feel like I asked for much out of him and the least he could do was remember date night! 

I began to think he is selfish and so my mind began recalling every incident so far that demonstrated other incidators of selfishness. I was driving home just racking up stuff! 

Me:

That time he used all the toilet paper and didn't put up another roll;

That time he drank all my rum because he felt like I took too long to drink it;

The time he flaked on me after we planned a trip to philly;

How he didn't want me to accept gifts from male friends anymore, but he doesn't buy me lots of gifts!!... 

The list kept growing and growing

I was fuming! But of course I just told him I was disappointed in him but go ahead and enjoy his evening with his cousin. But I told him not to worry about date night being a "thing" between us anymore. 

My feelings were so hurt but I refused to show exactly how much I hurt. Besides I wanted to be mature and handle the situation properly. (That's what I told myself)

I told him to just have fun with his cousin don't worry about me yes I'm disappointed but he made his choice so he just needs to go ahead and have fun without me. 

When I got home, he was just pulling up. Things were awkward. 

I didn't feel very happy but since I'd told him to go ahead, I knew it would be wrong to hold an attitude with James. 

I was hyper-aware of my actions toward him because I didn't want to talk about this any more. But I didn't want to be nasty to him. 

I think I was sullen but not nasty. He picked up on it, but I wasn't being mean or trying to start an argument, so he couldn't really say much. 

He remarked about my behavior and how it didn't feel good to him. He had never seen me upset before. He didn't know how to react to my emotional distance. 

I couldn't even help it though. I was disgusted. When he got dressed, I was thinking about how he's using my water to brush his teeth. I was hawking his outfit to make sure he didn't look too good! 

I damn near pushed him out the door.

I just wanted to be alone. 

He said he didn't like this. He didn't like the fact that I had not looked at him with loving kindness. He said he missed that I wasn't looking at him as though he was my favorite food. I said, "I don't feel very hungry tonight. Look you made your decision just go ahead and have fun on your date night with your Cuz!"

He just looked at me. Then he started pressing me out! Pressing me about whether I was angry or not and if I was angry what did it mean for him? 

"Are you going to talk to me over the weekend? Am I not going to hear from you for a few days? What does this really mean for me, Sha'ahn?"

I said, "If you were really that concerned you wouldn't have forgotten our night, so don't worry now!"

He left but was texting me a lot. He decided within an hour and a half of leaving to come back. He wanted to plan date night. We still had one day left in the month. But I was in my feelings so I said, "No."

I regret that choice now. Why? Because if I had just allowed him to make it up to me, we wouldn't have nearly broken up the next day. 

I felt like he needed to sweat! So I told him No, to his last-ditch effort to do date night, and no, he could not come to my house. He needed to go home! I also decided to get cute and hang out. I told him I was going to the local sports bar and grab a drink. Alone. 

He didn't like that, but oh well! (Between you and me, I really didn't go to the bar. I got dressed and everything but I realized I was on a budget and didn't need to buy drinks. So I made a drink for myself, got in my car and drove up a block from my house and just got tipsy there. That way I wasn't lying about going out LOL. It worked too. 

I called him while I was tipsy and we talked a long time. It was good for him to know I'm gonna do me but that doesn't mean I had to blow my budget. I still have to be smart about my money)

Over the rest of the weekend we were texting a lot. We spoke on the phone too. I just like to text things that are important so my words can be read and re-read! 

He's not a big texter so he would call in response to my texts. Harsh words were spoken (all from my part). I told him I could see he was a taker and it was too early in our relationship to be feeling like I'm taken for granted. I said I've compromised and loved you in spite of so much. And you can't even remember to do one thing a month? That sucks. What's missing??? I'm giving my best and treating you the way I want to be treated. Obviously it didn't work. 

I said I was gonna fall back and look out for me! 

He was pretty quiet while I ranted. 

On Sunday, we watched the Super Bowl together. Tension was still high but we knew we needed to talk. 

We didn't!

Not until Monday. 

We talked through everything. James read my texts over and we sat and talked. He acknowledged his slack. He said he definitely got comfortable quickly. He apologized for not making me feel appreciated and loved. He said he did not want to throw in the towel and that my issues were easy to fix. 

He said he truly loves me. I'm unlike any woman he's ever dated and he is the happiest he's ever been. 

I asked what was holding him back, and he said he is still apprehensive about us, but it has nothing to do with me. He's just afraid of being hurt.

I told him to make up his mind. Either jump in feet first or get out the water. 

He said he just felt like he rushed me into a relationship so he wasn't sure whether I was going to stay with him. 

I told him that I did feel pushed initially, but that I am committed now for infinity. And I haven't showed that I don't want him. But he did feel like I was so up and down in the earlier months. (And I was!) 

I acknowledged my flakiness, but pointed out that since we decided to be exclusive, I've shown him nothing but solid commitment! I can't promise we will never break up, but the probability is unlikely. 

So, we are moving forward. I think we have passed the critical 6 month mark, and are "serious." No more BS. 

He's all in and so am I.... 

This is so crazy. Scary and beautiful all at once.