entry five: if you're looking for a One-Night-Stand, just say so

Me, Thanxgiving day

One of the most annoying things about men and dating these days is that for the life of them, they just can't seem to be upfront about their intentions. I think if they were, the outcomes they desired would probably be more likely of happening. But for whatever reason, most men choose to lie or trick... (SIGH) Case in point -- On Thanksgiving night, I got a text from my homegirl asking whether or not I could slip away from the family and go for drinks. I was definitely up for it because after traveling three hours to Philadelphia, hanging with family I never get to see, sneaking my dog into a hotel, and dodging questions about when I was gonna settle down, I could certainly use a drink or two.

After training my dog not to cry each time I left the hotel room, I met up with my girlfriend outside my hotel in Old City. We were going to go to Northern Liberties to a great hamburger/lounge/bar called, PYT, but my nerves wouldnt allow me to stray too far from the hotel. I was worried that my dog might go ballistic and then I would be kicked out. So, we settled on an upscale Irish Pub, the Plough & the Stars, on 2nd St. instead. The pub was warm, with a huge fireplace on one wall, and an inviting atmosphere. Not many people were out, but there were a few patrons enjoying the homey place that looked like it had formerly been a bank. We speculated that maybe a 100 years ago, it had been the home of a wealthy Philadelphia family. Anyway, the bartender had an authentic Irish accent, making my friend and I believe we had definitely settled in at the right spot.

We hadn't been there long, and were in the middle of pondering why we felt the need to consume so much material items when a smooth voice behind us asked, "What are you beautiful ladies drinking tonight?"

Both my friend and I turned at the same time to see a very handsome, well dressed guy who looked to be about our age standing behind us. He was wearing a black velvet blazer, a Burberry scarf, a peach buttonup, jeans and sensible shoes. His haircut was PERFECT. (which we complimented him on) He was clean shaven, but had thick dark eyebrows and and jet black hair. I wondered if it was dyed, because it was so dark.

He said his name was "A," and we told him our names. He asked again what we were drinking and we told him it was the Autumn sangria, which wasn't very tasty. I told him as much and asked whether he wanted to try it. He did, and took a sip. My friend remarked that it tasted like cherry-flavored Tylenol with cinnamon, and he said he understood how one could think that. I told him to pull up a stool, and he did, behind, but between my friend and me. We made small talk about Thanksgiving, being with friends, and our most recent topic of consuming so much. I said that as Americans its like indoctrinated in us to always grab more and more, but there's really nothing wrong with not having the latest this or that. He agreed. We spoke about a bunch of stuff and eventually we asked him what he did and that's when he handed me his business card. He said he was in sales and strategy. During our conversation, I learned that he was originally from Russia, and had immigrated to Atlanta with his family when he was six. He spoke Yiddish, Hebrew and Russian. I spoke a little Hebrew and we exchanged a few words. He had a great smile, and that haircut was giving me life! He said it had better look good since that was his family's business. He told us that he flew to Atlanta just for a haircut. My friend and I exchanged looks that mirrored each other -- one eyebrow raised that said, "Okay, Mr. Baller. Hopping states for a haircut!"

He was very debonair and smooth. He complimented us on our pretty smiles, hair and outfits, and for a while, I thought he was simply out alone on Thanksgiving looking for conversation. He was mildly flirtatious, but I wasnt sure whether he was interested in me or my friend. Not that it mattered, because meeting a hottie was the last thing on my mind. I was still partially preoccupied with thoughts of one of the hotel staff ringing my cell demanding I get rid of the illegal canine guest in room 427. We chatted the night away, and A bought us another round of drinks. This time we were more wise and chose something palatable. I had the pumpkin something, and my friend had the apple something. I forget what A had.

When the lights in the pub came up signaling time to go, A paid the tab. My friend and I exchanged looks again, because he paid for the drinks we had ordered before he had even joined us. In other words, he got brownie points again.

We walked outside and A accompanied us to my friend's car. He then made it clear that he was interested in me when he asked how often I get to Philly. I told him almost never and he said we would have to change that. Me and my girl knew what that meant, so she said goodbye, and got into her car. I told A that I would walk him to his car, which A said wasn't far. When we were about half a block away from where my friend was parked, A asked me if he could drive me to her car. I told him I didnt know him well enough to get into his car, and besides, she was only half a block away. He accepted that, and took both of my hands in his. He looked into my eyes and said, "I had a great time tonight, and I would like to see you again." I said, "Me too. But ummm are you sure, you want to see me again? You know, the whole interracial thing?" He looked heavenward before setting his eyes back on mine before answering, "Yup." I said, "Are you sure?" He said, "Yup." I said, "Great, then call me. No,I will call you." He laughed before bringing my hands to his lips. Then he said something that wiped the smile off my face. He said, "I love to pleasure a woman...." I didnt hear the rest because my internal monologue screamed, "Awwww damn, he's after some ass!" I said, "Listen, Im not looking for a lay. But it was nice meeting you." He said, "Oh, no. I know that's easy to find. Im not either." I said, "Okay." In my head, I finished that thought with, "Time will tell."

I didnt have to wait long to find out what his intentions were. Later that morning/night he texted me to let me know he was in safe and sound. The next day, (Friday) he texted me to make small talk and asked me what my plans were. I told him brunch with my sister, then driving home. He even asked if I wanted company, which I thought was cute. I asked if he was willing to drive all the way to Virginia, and he said he was. I told him I couldnt ask him to do that, because I knew (not that I told him this part) that I wasnt going to allow him to spend the night. I thought that maybe I would take another trip to Philly in the very near future and we could have dinner or something though.

Anyway, so far so good right? WRONG
I texted him Saturday asking him whether he was seeing anyone, or married. I usually ask right away, but the way things had gone the other night, I sort of had my guard down. But I did remember eventually, and so I asked. Guess what? I got no response for an entire day. On Sunday, I got a text that said, "Hey. Im trying to figure that out." Now, that could be taken two ways. It could be that he was trying to hint to me that he was interested, or.... he was in a relationship that he didnt want to be in and was contemplating getting out of it. Either way it was evasive and I HATE games. I texted him back, "Huh? Explain." I never got an answer. Well, that was yesterday and today is Monday. This morning I decided to text him. I said, "I thought you were someone I would have liked to get to know, and I expected a straight answer. Actually, from your silence, I have my answer. But to let you know, I am not a side piece."

I still havent heard from him. So, I guess A's intentions were to have fun for the night. Or to have some long-distance booty. I don't understand why someone would want to travel three states to get a piece, but men are weird creatures.

Im not saying that I would have spent the night with A if he had simply come out and propositioned me. But, maybe I would have been open to a friends with benefits relationship, if that's what he was looking for. I mean, he was attractive, and well mannered. Obviously he was financially stable, so I would have kept an open mind. Hell, Im not seeing anyone, not even as a "buddy," so he actually had a chance. If he would have been more upfront, he may have gotten lucky. Might not have been that night, but, well, I'm sure you get where I'm coming from.


Lesson learned: Guys need to just say what they want, because if they play their cards right, they may just get it. But deception and disguise will get you nowhere! It only makes a girl lose respect.

entry four: the walmart rollback look-a-like

WARNING!! THIS IS A LOOOOOONNNGGG POST

consider yourself warned. You may proceed.

So, in the beginning of Fall, I joined two online dating sites just to get myself a look at who's out there and meet people. I don't think that online dating is much different than the traditional way of meeting people. If anything, it takes the awkwardness out of having to turn someone down that you aren't attracted to. I thought that it would be cool to set up filters pinpointing all the qualities I was looking for in a guy, without having to actually ELIMINATE someones ego by rejecting them in person. I was under the impression that online dating or, date selection, which is a more appropriate term in my opinion, would be easy. I assumed (erroneously) that people would be more honest and open about what they were looking for both mentally and physically. I guess you can say I was thinking it would be super easy a la cart dating complete with a menu of men that I simply had to choose from based on the criteria I entered into the initial registration forms and questionnaire. The sites I signed up for were Match.com and eHarmony. By default, I was also registered for Chemistry.com too through Match, as it was a new sister site they had set up. I was skeptical about the whole process, so I only paid for a 30-day subscription on both sites. I used Match/Chemistry in early September, and once that ran out, I signed up with eHarmony.

Right off the bat, I can tell you the difference between the two sites was instantly apparent, But this post isn't about the two sites. I can blog about that another time. If you want me to talk about the sites, leave me a comment saying so and I will do a post on that sometime soon.

Anyway, I met this guy within the first two weeks after I subscribed on Match. He sent me a note saying he liked my profile and was I willing to give him a call, or text. I opened his profile page all the way up because the thumbnail that accompanied his note showed he was attractive, so I was curious to see what he had to say on his profile.

He didn't have a whole lot of details (which is a red flag to me) except the age range he was looking for and race. He had one sentence that stated he was a family-oriented guy with a big heart. The income level he listed was a plus, so I decided to look at the rest of his pictures. Yeah, uuummmm he was a big guy. I sighed. I don't mind big guys. I actually feel more comfortable around a guy carrying a little extra weight, but I don't do big bellies. No, sir. I wrote the guy back that I was flattered he took the time to reach out, but I was simply not attracted to him. He was too big. (I was thinking that in the future if we hit if off and things got physical, that I wouldn't be able to hang, so I would pass on even meeting him.)

He responded with something about him planning on losing weight and that I should go ahead and meet him in person, because i wouldn't be disappointed. I was like, you know what? He is cute and I guess meeting wouldn't kill me. He may be smaller in person. I called him at the number he left in the email message and we chatted for about 30 minutes. We instantly hit it off over the phone. I was impressed by his candor and the fact that he seemed to really know what he wanted, which was a friendship that had potential to grow into more. (That's what I'm looking for too!!)

We decided to meet that night after work. I'm not the type who likes to have a long drawn out IM/email/text/phone relationship before finally meeting in person like some people do. I find that we should meet ASAP to see each other in person before we start getting to know each other because what if the picture they posted is a fake?! Right, so I insist on meeting within the first week of online contact because I am NOT the one for games. If a guy tugboats, then I block contact.

But, I digress. Fast forward to our initial date-- I meet him at his house, which is located in a posh DC neighborhood. House had to be worth at least half a mil. He said he owned it. I later did my research and found out that he did, so he had brownie points right there. I ring the bell, and he comes out. (I wasn't going in) My first impression was that he was adorable. Like the chubby Asian kid that has a ton of white friends on TV. Even though he is older than me (still in his 30s though) he looked super young. He looked fresh out the shower and complimented me immediately on my outfit. (More brownie points) He said, "So, do I look alright? Or am I too fat?"

What can I say to that? I decided to go with the truth since I already told him he was too big over email. I said, "Well, you are smaller than I thought, but you're a little heavy for me still. But you're really cute." He said, "Okay, well do you still want to do dinner?" I said, "Sure." So we walked from his house to a Thai restaurant. We opted to sit outside even though rain threatened to kick us inside. Conversation was great. He was super smart, played football for Virginia Tech, was a broker, and worked mostly from home. He was part Asian and Eastern European, with a face so round, he reminded me of the WalMart Rollback smiley face. It didnt help that he smiled. A lot. He told me about his career path which began in health and fitness, but evolved into the brokering stuff and real estate.

I was impressed. I thought I could get past the physical thing, because if he was sincere about slimming down, I could hang. Plus he had a fitness background, so I trusted he knew what to do to make it happen. Add to that the fact that he was financially secure, and seemed to be sweet! What would a little baby fat mean in the long run? So, I decided to get to know him better.

At the end of the night, he walked me to my car and we said our goodbyes. Overall, it was a nice evening, and I promised I would be seeing him again.

Over the course of nearly three weeks we saw each other here and there and talked a lot over the phone. (BTW, eight days of said three weeks I was vacationing outside the country and we didnt talk) But sadly, when I came back from traveling, things took a dramatic turn for the worse. At first, things were cool. We went out to a few hip restaurants on U Street, and conversation was decent. Only complaints I had was that I noticed he was very inattentive over the phone due to him working, but he would insist that he could multi-task and talk to me at the same time. FAIL

By the the fourth date, I was feeling comfortable enough to visit him in his space. I went to his house and we had dinner. Unfortunately, the whole time, he was at the computer until it was time to eat, at which point, he was checking his cell phone incessantly. I was getting angry at his rudeness and lack of attention. I thought to myself, "If this is what he's doing already and we've only just met, then it cant do anything but go downhill from here."

I was right. I asked him about the work-a-holic bullcrap, and he replied that he wanted to retire while he was still in his thirties, and that if I was patient that he would have time for me soon. He told me that he had to close these deals. I didnt like the fact that he made himself available to his clients so late in the day, and I said, "But, at dinner you were checking your email! How can things get better? Like, these are supposed to be the good days. Is this your best foot being put forward? I dont like to be ignored, which is the way I feel." He dismissed my feelings and returned to his work. He said that I needed to relax. I told him I was leaving. He asked me to spend the night.

"Really," I asked. "That's how you do it? Just ask me when am I spending the night?" He said, "Yeah. I mean, I cant fall in love unless I have sex." I said, "This is only date number four and I dont expect you to be in love, but you don't have any stronger game than that?" He said, "I dont need game." I said, "Well you need something. You cant just try to pressure sell me into sleeping with you. This isn't high school." He replied, "So what do you want to do, just continue on like sixth graders, holding hands and hugging?" I said, "Yup. Because if I wanted to spend the night you would know and you wouldnt even have had to ask. Why dont we let things happen naturally?" He huffed and said, "Fine! Lets go get yogurt then." And we went out to get yogurt.

But after that initial request to spend the night, he wouldnt let up. I felt peer pressure. I decided to fall back a little and didnt text as much. I noticed that he didnt text me either. So one fateful Friday, I didnt hear from him all day. In the evening, after work, I texted him saying that I felt like we had different communications styles and that I dont think things would work out between us. He responded with the usual, "Relax," I was fed up with that response. I mean, he was cold, worked all the time, and hardly paid me any attention when we were together. Then on top of that, when he was paying me attention, he was begging me to sleep with him, or trying to feel me up! I was done.

I texted him back, "I will relax. Im gonna fall back so far that I wont care whether or not I speak to you for days at a time. In fact, Imma start right now. Hit me when you can." He went ballistic at that point. He started texting me:

"What? you dont know whats going on over here. Im talking with my parents and they are really upset."

To which I responded, "I would never want to come between you and your family. Talk to you later."

He ignored that and continued to text me:

"Why are you still texting me, when I told you I was with my family. They are arguing and Im trying to settle some dispute. My mom is really upset and I have to deal with you questioning me." (Ummm Sir, I did not ask you a DAYUM thing!! But I didnt say that.)

I replied, "I would never want to come between you and your family. Talk to you later."

Again, he ignored that and continued:

"What does it look like to my parents that my girl (GIRL??? WHAT?? WHEN??) is being so rude. You have no class."

I was irate at this point, but I kept it cool.

I didnt respond at all. He texted me two more texts, and a third one that said, "Stop texting me."

I was baffled. "Stop texting him?" He was the one texting me. He texted me three times and I didnt even respond.

So that was the end of that. Or, so I thought. About a week ago, WalMart Rollback Face guy called me. I had deleted his number so I didnt know who he was. He said he wanted to call me that next day but couldnt because his cell phone had crashed and he lost all the contacts. He said he had found my business card that morning and was wondering if I was upset. I told him I was not upset, but I did think he was out of line for the way he was texting me. He apologized, saying that it was a crazy night with his family and that he overreacted, but I was wrong for questioning him. I said, "I did not ask you a single question." He said, "So, you dont think you were wrong?" I said, "NO! I don't. First of all, I didnt meant to interrupt you, and as soon as you said you were dealing with family, I said I would talk to you later." He said, "I guess we can agree to disagree." Then he asked if I had been on any other dates. I didnt answer. Instead I asked him the same thing. He proceeded to tell me about a horrible date he had with a girl, and finished up with, "But, so look, Im still interested. Are you?"

Before I could answer, his line beeped (Thank GOD) and he told me to hang on. I hung up as soon as he clicked over to answer his call waiting. He called back, but I sent it to voicemail.

Lesson learned: I am not to be brokered like a commodity. And Im not a deal to be renegotiated!!

Entry three: so I got this email from Groupon...

... And it was for 57% off of a ticket to SpeedDCdating. In case you haven't heard of it, these Brits got the bright idea to bring some UK flavor to the US dating scene. They set up the events in really hip trendy spots in the hottest cities across the US. (LA, San Fran, DC, NYC...) They've been all over the telly too. If you dont believe me, Google it.

The ladies receive a complimentary mini-makeover, and then are seated, while the men rotate to the different ladies' tables for about 6-7 minutes at a time. After the coordinated dates are done, the women fill out a follow-up card indicating which guy(s) she may want to see again, and within the week she will receive an email that tells her whether the guy was digging her back.

After the dates, you can stay and mingle at the venue as long as you want. Which is pretty cool too. I think Im getting excited. I've always wanted to try speed dating. Seems like fun and no pressure.

My dilemma now is finding a friend to go with me, and choosing a day. I dont know whether I should wait until after the holidays, or just go sometime before...


I notice that the women's spots sell out quick. I kind of want to wait until after the holidays, but my January is super unpredictable, so I guess I'd better strike for December. Only thing is, Im hoping there wont be slim pickings. I guess if things dont go well, I could always go again. But um, I dont want to pay full price. Hahahahaaaaaaaaaa

I guess December it is! Will update after the event in a few weeks.



SpeedDCdating.com, what do you have in store for me?

entry one: background

Im beginning this blog to chronicle my journey of finding my next monogamous relationship. I intend to be brutally honest. I guess I dont care that much about who knows, but enough to not tell my friends about this new blog.

Anyway, Im a single (obviously) mother of one. Divorced since 2006. Single (via legal separation) since 2003. Ive had two relationships in the last eight years that I would consider serious. But in both cases, I was not ready to settle down.

Last year sometime, I decided I was ready to allow true love into my life. Its been a tough journey and I decided to share it with the world as opposed to my old fashioned diary. Hopefully I get feedback and comments.

Anyway, I have to run, but I will be back to let you know the ups and downs of my dating life. My quest to connect with a special someone.

I am sensitive, yet tough; easy-going, yet anxious; and most of all, I just want this a LOT. Maybe its because I just turned 34. I don’t know.

I live my life to the fullest. I travel a lot, have an active social life…. But when it comes to men, I keep messing up. LOL

Still tryna figure all this out.

Anyway, hang in there with me, and ENJOY